Blank Doll changes into a cube and fliiieeess away.

So you're feeling down and out. The world doesn't dance to your particular beat. Big fat hairy deal. Cheer up, it happens all the time. I'd like to think that melodrama doesn't raise its ugly head when I'm around but ah, all is vanity. All is vanity indeed.

I write and I write and I write. My story is never done. But then, whose is? I'd love to have you over, to hear you talk to me, to have lunch with you, to share a cup of tea, to watch the rain with you, to laugh with you, to love with you. To live with you? Nah.

Oh no, I'm not feeling sad anymore, nor angry nor hurt. I'm flying off to Aussieland where the sun will strike my skin dead. What can I complain about? I shall however stick to my ideal that only the working class need have a tan. We to whom are gifted with the virtues of birth, state and merit need not suffer such an affront. Sounds familiar? Victorian bigotry can be co-opt to fit anyone. The annoying thing about Victorian bigotry is that of course, the Victorians have nothing to be proud of. They are Europeans after all. I'm a Chinese, that's different.

Long live the glorious East.

Oh and I've been infected by some strange variant of gothiphilia. Sooner or later my clothes will turn black. No way am I wearing gunmetal. Tres passe.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll melts into a puddle of wax. Wait, he's not made of wax!

She touched him, a singular finger on the bony tip of his bare shoulder. It was hot, like fire. It was fire, her finger was a tongue of flame. It hurt to be touched by her. It hurt even more that he could not touch her in return.

They kissed. Their tongues met. He remembered the first time they fought. His blood had formed a perfect halo about them because they had fought whilst floating four feet above the ground. It was the same pain again, the same throbbing blindness that drove him on. Catharsis by blood. A kiss was just the same.

He felt her wind her hair once, twice, thrice across his neck. He had never felt warm before, his skin never a colour other than the absence of colour, until the woman had touched him.

A part of him crawled away, stuggled to reach for the door, flaying and thrashing about like a mad man. The same crazed despair that had brought the woman to his doorstep, that had delivered him into the embrace of fire.

He felt another part of him burn in the toxic heat of breathlessness. No perspiration had ever touched the albino down of his lips, no sweat had ever trailed his temples. He was flushed, flushed with lust, flushed with a cold sort of fear, flushed with fire. He was being touched, and for once, he could not touch in return.

It was altogether too maddening. The angel collapsed into the encircling circle of fire, the woman's touch had scorched his wings to nothing. He was falling. The woman had clipped the wings of an angel.

With a singular touch. With the noxious fire of lust. The cold trembling of tomorrow's fear. The angel had fallen without his wings.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll envies Serra for being able to eat books.

Yesterday, I went out for the whole day dressed in a red chequered shirt, a pair of white chinos and a black leather belt with Donna Karen splayed across the tarnished bucklet. I also had my shirt tucked in.

Yes, how geekish is that?

I tucked my shirt in, in defiance of every teenager who thought basketball shorts and a large tee was all right. I tucked it in, in defiance of children who though smart casual was a long sleeved shirt tucked out with jeans. I tucked my shirt in, in defiance of every youth out there who cannot appreciate the beauty of a velvet jacket or a crisp linen shirt. Quel exaggere, je sais. But anyway, it was as if I was the only teenager who though 'geez, why don't I just tuck my shirt in and look decent for once?!'

Anyway, it doesn't look too bad. Admittedly, this has got to do with the fact that I'm not fat. But I digress.

This space will probably be empty for 10 days unless whilst in Aussieland, I become overwhelmed by an urge to do something stupid like pay through my nose for the use of a computer to blog. My mother refuses to let me take my ibook along. My ipod stays at home too.

Damn.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll smiles. Finally.

Fiona Apple and HIM are both quite nice. Ha ha, the computer is re-educating me in music. Can't find any good gothic rock though. I'm like surviving on Evanescence.

Ok, blog again later.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll sighs and switches off.

Feeling rather down today for various reasons. I had feeling like this. The word morose comes to mind. Ditto sad/angst. Funny thing is, I probably didn't look sad. Hell, I think I was smiling. Ah well. Shit happens.

Ou vas-tu, M. le roi? Mon frere d'esprit, tu me manque. Vraiment. Je ne te trompe pas. Je ne le veut plus. Dis-moi, bientot.

Ah yes, maybe it's because I've been rather tired recently. Or because I've been bored out of my mind. I'd like to do lots of things but there is the family to think of. Toujours la famille. Sometimes I wonder if everybody else feel the same need to keep the family intact. Am I the only one expending so much of my time and energy to ensure that the family runs smoothly? Probably not. Let's not risk sounding like some woe betide fool who bemoans the world when at the same time, he remains in that state of pathetic-hood we call a Pile of Shit.

Yes, I'm gloomy today. Je n'ai rien de l'idee pourquoi.

Read more on market failure. I'm really very interested in economics now. The funny thing is I'm more interested in the political and social implications of economics. The ruling function of economics. And no. I don't have the energy nor the will to burst forth into rhetoric. Maybe another day.

Spoke to Geri on the train. Ha ha, yes, don't watch Exorcism ok? Unless you get submitted to Peer Pressure because trust me, you won't be able to sleep thereafter. Hur. It's quite depressing because I've always felt some sort of affection for Lucifer of the Christian faith. It always did seem to me that the God of the Christians seem too malignant, too capricious, too vindictive, too human. How can God be just like us and still make the world so beautiful. Look at what happens when we try to approximate a portion of GOD's powers. We create nuclear warfare. We destroy arable land. We kill off more species than we can name. Ou est-Adam du jardin? Ou est le fils du Dieu?

Never mind. I've thought of a dress that keeps me awake at night. I think they make for a nice mid-collection. Nothing ground-breaking but really pleasing to the eye. Commercial. Yes, commercial. I hate the artistic spirit because nothing made by it is ever wearable. The poetic spirit is different. That which is called the poetic spirit is that which makes the perfect mother-of-pearl button draw a final breath of delight.

All right, I should end this now and go throw myself onto the floor. There is something distinctively masochistic about my sets. Oh well, it's going to get worse once I start running. Oh and haha, tried doing that weird exercise that I asked Tong about, that angel thingie? I can do it! We of my family are too flexible to let a few ligaments stop us.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll ate up his econs notes. Oops.

Don't you love Blank Doll? He's such an adorable little creature. What, you can't tell how he looks like? Have you got no imagination? Hmph.

Blank Doll is a 4 feet tall doll made mostly of cotton stuffing and fibreglass with a covering of white jersey that strangely moulds his body until the top where instead of having hair, he has it tied in a bundle with a silken cord. This means that at any moment, there is a high chance of the knot undoing itself and so, spill half of Blank Doll onto the pavement. He has large black beads for eyes and a look that tell you he's constantly confused. He's quite clumsy and well, blank-in-the-head. His fingers change colour according to his mood and his condition. He likes to say 'morning!', 'night!' and 'you're weird!', always of course, dragging the middle vowel and going up on the last consonant. Blank Doll can also change himself into a plastic cube looking quite like a cube ipod but he only does that when he needs to recharge. He also has a strange animated sprout creature that lives in his ear because well, he doesn't exactly have a brain. A most sensible sprout indeed, called aptly, Loci 249.

Of course, Blank Doll in Magic Asunder, the book I'm struggling to write is a totally different creature. In that, he's a seven foot golem made from charmed hard-paste porcelain and marble with black Equitere for eyes, that of course, changes to red when he is roused. His fingers don't change colour now but that's because his eyes do. I think he wears a huge black collar which controls him and he speaks in the Enkiform. Oh and Blank Doll is called Blank Doll in Magic Asunder because the Enkinet cannot sense Blank Doll since he was made to protect the Enkinet. Controlling him is the Franklin Puppeteer, a character I have yet to developed.

Why am I saying all this? Because it struck my whimsy. Oh and Econs S was nice today. Mr. Reeves didn't get Tong's quote and I doubt he got mine anyway. I hope I didn't sound flippant or anything because I really mean it when I said what I did. "Reason is one of the greatest survival tools of humanity"- Ludwig von Mises. Never mind, it's pointless elaborating on my blog.

Oh and thanks to the ever charming Alps, I could not sleep well lastl night. Chiefly due to the fact that i woke up at exactly 3 am (rings a bell don't you think) and was deathly afraid that I'd smell something burning. It didn't help that there were some idiot drunks downstairs who were making enough noise to freak me out. I only fell asleep when the rains came because rain has always been my friend. Running water comforts me.

Haha, I didn't know I was going to call my novel Magic Asunder until now. I must thank my sister for giving me the kernel of idea for this book even though I am still at the beginning. Already, I'm a huge fan of the Blue Merra and the Duchess of Rose but my favourite character will probably be Theokyre. Ah well, Peter's not bad I suppose but he's too dreamy and well, he hasn't kicked any arses yet. Not that any of them have but he hasn't got the potential to kick arse yet.

Oh well, I'm tired and hungry. Shall buy myself some food now.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll can't read 'edit'.

Oh yes, did I mention that I tried my very best to organize my documents yesterday? I spent an entire hour restoring my files after the mess that I created whilst studying for the promos. Grr, I feel a great lack in the amount of information I have. Shall have to arm myself with a photocopying card or a laptop and troop over to the National Library where I can access all those wonderfully delicious copies of those rich, wondrous texts.

Yes, reading is a good habit. You might want to try it. I mean of course, the reading of proper books. Pulp wrapped in plastic is hardly what I'd call reading material for the evolved mind.

Ah and even as I ink that last full stop, my mind wanders to the book I saw Tong having this afternoon. He has some really cool books! Yes, I shall get it from him soon.

And we watched Exorcism of Emily Rose. Damn you Alps, I nearly died of fright at the beginning. Afterwards, it was quite interesting although I still couldn't watch it without listening to my ipod, much to the annoyance of Alps. I mean, really, there weren't any annoying ghosts popping from behind but the suspense. Ugh. Haha and we smuggled Carl's Jr into the cinema where we had our lunch. Lol, that was quite funny.

Oh and backtracking a bit, our econs teacher really doesn't think much of Hwa Chong students. Hurr. Funny though. If quite mean.

Apparently, there ARE gaps to the Ethical Policy. Snitching free food and being snide to HC students appear to be some of those gaps.

So depressed because I'm not exercising today. It's ok because I did yesterday but *sigh*, I shall try my valiant best to go jogging tomorrow. That is of course, if it doesn't rain.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll got freaked out.

Argh, I can't exercise today because it is raining and also because I just reached home and also because Tzhock is coming over. Haha, that's two ands I threw it. Oh well, commas suck.

Yes, I'm the only one who can abuse the language with such rank carelessness because like it or not, I'm actually good at the language so there.

Ok Alps, don't shoot me. I didn't say you were bad at it. And no Tong, I don't want to hear about your A for lit.

Test.
Test.
Test.

Ok, later.

Blank Doll just woke up. *Yawn*

Yikes, this is so freaky. Just after dinner, whilst calling up people to enquire as to when the econs S thingum was, I realized (well, Tong made me realize) that the results were already out.

May I say that our school is really strange? It's supposed to be elite and premium which is really scary when you don't make the mark, but then it's also strangely lax. I got 2 Ss when deep down, I was quite sure I shouldn't. Oh well, this means I shall have to study harder for next year. I am however, quite horrified at the idea of trying to score for math. I mean seriously, I've forgotten everything! Oh dear, maybe I should try harder for math next year. Or at least drop it as I said I would come March's common test. You watch, I'm dropping it. For sure.

May I also note however that increasingly, there is an inner voice who questions my need to study hard and score? It's really quite strange because I wonder how much of an academic I really am. I love reading, I love writing essays (without time, always without the bloody time limit) and I love thinking (quite a rarity amongst today's youth I should add :P) about why we are taught this way. Currently, this means spending way too much time reading and writing when I should really be sketching and painting. Not to mention learning how to sew and cut and stuff. Argh, this is so self-defeating.

Never mind. Oh and it turns out that I couldn't dredge up the energy to run after half an hour of sets. Went to sleep instead. Damn Edmond! Woke up, went over to the mrt station to get my Mother and then came back home for dinner. I feel so horrid. I shall have to stop eating and step up my exercise. Ouch.

And I still need to get people together to go out. Jeff is being particularly uncooperative. Alps and Tong are- where ARE you guys? Sheesh. I'm so bored. Seriously, I can't wait until next week so I can justify my boredom by calling it de-stressing.

Stop buying diamonds. They're ugly and a waste. Buy coloured diamonds. Or precious stones. Don't cut them. Polish them the way the Chinese used to do. They're much more prettier that way.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll

Oh man, yesterday was such a tiring day. Went to Metro with my family to get this swimming costume for my sister because her old one was too small for her. For some strange reason, Daddy was free to take sister and I to RTC and so we reached there an hour early.

Came up with this really cool empire waist dress with a leather bodice and a three-layer skirt. Very nice. Oh and of course, the velvet jacket with the bows.

Er, yeah, went home and went to Metro ENCORE to get Christmas ornaments and Ma bought some early Christmas gifts. I shall have to draw up my list soon so that I can at least get some of them while we're in Aussieland. This year shall have to get stuff for my jcmates also. Especially Daniel, Tong, Alps and Xiao Jun. Hmmm...the xiao mei mei, don't know what to get her, maybe a pair of hualimu chopsticks. Haha, to go with a zitanmu rice bowl.

Ok, nevermind.

Then my Mother, very nicely, gave me a document to fill in which took me the better part of two hours. Guess what time I slept last night? You guessed it, 2 am. Oh and I woke up today at 10 30 so considering that, I have not reverted to Edmondstasis. Non, pas encore, jamais, j'espere.

TODAY

I did my sets! I'm so happy with myself. Oh and I shall go running later near evening. Daniel would be proud of me if he knew. Haha, ok lah, I'm just proud of myself for doing so much. The only problem is, I'll be going to Aussie for 10 days and short of running around the farmstead and then along the coast, I'll be doing NOTHING. The precious little amount of muscle that I have acquired will all atrophy into nothingness when I get back. Ugh. This is so tedious. I wish I'd been forced to join a sport when I was really young.

Oh and I shall now proceed to mash at my PS2 for another hour or so. By the way, in case you were wondering, I've been thinking about it and it appears to me that something is afoot. Seriously, where is the polish I ask you? Sheesh, this is deja vu at its worst. No, M. x, go away.

Avaunt! Oh and M. le roi, if you happen to be reading this out of sheer boredom. Go check your mailbox already!

C'est tout.

Blank Doll wrestled with the cable and died.

Damn Windows and its unsightly monopoly. Damn the PC system. Damn Windows for being so un-user friendly. Thank you Starhub for being so long suffering and patient.

Yes, Sean has entered the era of information technology kicking and screaming.

I tried to switch my cable connection to my ibook using an ethernet cable and it worked. Happy me, my ibook is such a considerate device because it automatically detected the cable and bit it hard. Then I tried to connect it back to my PC. My PC roared and refused to accept my LAN connection, hence depriving me of the Internet for ten whole minutes. I could have died if someone deprived me of food for that long a period of time.

Nothing worked. No restarting. No switching on and off. No praying. Hah, there's your miracle. But of course, I'm sure GOD has better use for its energy besides helping a child fix his electronic toy.

So I did the final thing. I called Starhub and begged for help.

And it worked! Of course, I had to go through alot of embarrassing question about address and numbers which was really horrid because it's registered under my dad and I don't know his address nor his IC. But it's fixed! I love the help staff so much I could kiss her.

Ok, nevermind. I'm so fascinated by technology yet cannot use it. *sigh* I'm actually a gadget freak, but it's hard to love gadgets properly when they never do the things they're told to do. I mean, being a gadget freak four hundred years back was simple. Nothing ran on electricity. Then again, the science of mechanicks is probably just as nerve-wracking.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll puked.

Apparently, in a fit of vigour and zeal, I exercised too much and now I feel like blood is rushing away from my head. I keep feeling faint and I collapsed into a chair. But then again, I did break my push up limit which is something I am quite happy with.

Quelle chance! I met M. x while I was at Alliance. It really is quite a coincidence. He recognized me but I didn't even see him because Sean being his usual self, forgot to bring his spectacles. Myopia can be such a travail. I shall correct that soon either with contacts or with therapy. I was thinking of getting crytal cut lens but someone told me that while they actually exist, they also cost a bomb. So no looking like a cloned humanoid for the moment. Imagine me with red crystalline pupils, skinhead and multi-pierced ears, back slightly bent with pale skin. Haha, yes, I'm sick.

Oh and it's a wonder M. x's mother didn't kill him, considering the hairstyle that he's got. I hope he turns up for YA.

Yo Alps, I bet in a few months, my French will be better than yours. Nyanyanya. Ok, that was stupid and childish. Don't push me off the kayak when we actually go try to drown Sean ok?

I shall now step up Operation Mets d'argent. Running begins on Monday. Let's try to shave it to below 11 minutes which will mean that Sean is officially no longer a handicap.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll wants to say thank you.

Ying and Tzhock, I really appreciate your coming yesterday. It meant alot to me. I'm glad I do have friends from seccondary school that I can still keep.

Ok, in retrospect, yesterday wasn't bad at all! In fact, I sort of thought that it was great. Nonetheless, I must apologize to Tong for boring the shit out of him because yes Tong, you did look bored. I guess I wasn't in the mood for anything yesterday. Oh it was cool. Yesterday, Alps and Tong arrived first with like, how many slices of cake from Bakerzin? Of course, because Tong did the Ethical Thing by holding the cakes instead of Alps, he managed to smash quite a few pieces but I still love the fact that you guys bought me cake. I ate like two slices for breakfast, shall leave the rest for dinner.

Then Ying came, and I had to break the news to her that all our seccondary schoolmates had pang seh us. She then told me about how her beloved class also pang sehed her. Haha, poor us. Oh and then we played mah jong because I couldn't think of anything to do. Gambling was out because Jeff wasn't around. At least we finally got around teaching Alps and Tong how to play mah jong. Tzhock arrived next and well, he paired up with Ying. As usual, my sister won. :D

Oh and all the food was prepared by my mother and sis, I'm so glad I have such a great mum and sister. My mother must be the best in the world. Ok, from my point of view at least.

Then finally Daniel arrived and my ma was soo happy because he practically finished everything. It was really funny.

Surprisingly, time passed and then it was time for Ying and the rest to go home. Alps because she had to plead with her Empress and Emperor not to lock her out of the house and disown her, Tong because he had to keep his dad happy so that he could spend the rest of the week loitering outside. So Tzhock, Ying, Daniel and I took the bus to Ying's house where we let her off. It was quite funny because then we walked back the way CC and I used to and we were talking quite a bit. His ma came to pick him up.

Oh and prezzies! The cakes from Alps and Tong. The limited edition FF10 watch from Tzhock (shall be all grown up and wear a watch now). The Famous Amos cookies from Ying. The fan and iron balls from Daniel (and the class? I'm quite sure the Duchess said something about a fan. Hmm..). They were great. Seriously. A sidenote: Am I such a pig? Why do people always give me food for my birthday!?

So yeah, to my secondary schoolmates, thanks for coming and for caring. It's nice to know you aren't all shits whom I've wasted four years trying to befriend. Xuan arh, I know is not your fault, but you still owe me a treat. Jeff, try not to TRAIN on my birthday dammit. Joshua, next year, next year. Hew Ting, I know you were there. Thanks for coming.

My JC mates, thanks for coming! As you can see, I am very anti-social. If I ever want to shoot myself in the foot by organizing another gathering, I shall invite you guys again. Knowing Tong, I shall have to get on is waiting list four weeks in advance. Alps is easier, just drag her away from her room at home can already.

Yeah, so my birthday wasn't spectacular but it was great. I really treasure my friends. Especially now.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll sings Happy Birthday!

Dreamt of Hew Ting last night. She was there at my birthday in jeans and a white tea. Her hair had grown back again and was gelled to the back in spikes. I cried so much when I saw her because I couldn't believe it. Damn these dreams. Hew Ting, my dear friend, I really miss you. Especially today because this is the day when we all gather together as friends in remembrance of the things we all had to go through before we could have our friendship. I hope you'll be here tonight. For a single moment. I wouldn't be afraid. We all miss you Hew Ting, and I think I miss you so much it hurts me to think of you now. You were such a great friend of mine. Why did you have to go first? Requistat in pace, Hew Ting. Happy Birthday to me, thank you.

On a brighter note, it's my birthday! Whee! I love birthdays. I hope I never reach the age when my birthday comes to me in dread. I am especially happy that I have made it through 17 years of my life. That I have repaired and mended all the little wounds and flaws of my childhood. That I have emerged from that stormy past with only the slightest bit of being screwed up. That I am now a confident youth who will go on to make his life something special and worthwhile. Yes, today, I celebrate life. It is life that I shall cherish even if I look always into Death to find those who have left us.

Thank you people, I mean, guys, who remembered. Haha, I'm always amazed at how many people actually remembers. Ok, granted I've been screaming at the top of my head 'IT'S MY BIRTHDAY DAMMIT, FUCKING REMEMBER!' but still. It's just nice. You people are so sweet and I've been so horrid. Argh, you make me want to puke.

Actually, I'm extremely happy that the people who remembered my birthday are the people who matter to me and not just any bitch and idiot who wrote it down in their electronic memo.

Ok, I shall stop being mean. Today, I am NICE.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll wants to go to a pique-nique!

Ouch, my eyes hurt from staring at too many bright, electronic screens. No wonder Edmond got downcast eyes, probably adaptation to all that staring into screens. Oh dear, good luck Xiao Jun xiao jie, I'm sure everything will turn out well.

Oh and I ate too much today. I'm so tiiiiired. And fuuulll. I feel so horrid.

Haha, I very nearly didn't turn up for lesson today because I forgot about it. Thank you Darius, you finally did something helpful today. I'm so proud of you.

Sorry Candice for laughing at you all the time, don't be mad at me ok? I really don't mean any of it so don't be miffed at me. I just have this urge to poke fun at you! :D All hail her royal highness.

Oh and ALPS, I ordered quite a small cake. Haha, I can foresee you hunched over the cake with a fork in hand. Ooooh myyyy gaaawd.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll ate french toast and threw up.

I think my friends in RJ are godsends. Of course, my friends from Ahmad will be those I treasure for life but they aren't there all the time and they have their own stuff to do. There's Ying who's asleep somewhere but getting quite the social life in school I heard, there's Xuan who hangs out with suspect people and who has been infected with the Fashion Bug, there's Tzhock who's still busy gathering his courage and will to speak up, there's Jeff who's still, well, Jeff, there Hew Ting who has gone before us but whom still lives on for me and CC. But really, this year would have been miserable for me if not for alot of nice people whom I have met in RJ. Sure, there're people that make me want to hurl my guts out but I think it's best for me to just focus on the people who are great. There's Daniel who has kept me sane even when the world around us threatened to make me scream. There's Jing Heng who broods alot but who makes for quite interesting conversation. There's Xiao Jun who has made me laugh a lot because of how xiao mei mei she looks but also provided some great insights into issues I could never have discussed with the people I hanged out with in Ahmad. Then of course there's Alps and Tong. Both of you have made me really happy for some strange reasons, must be all the food we eat. Alps for sharing so many things in common and for sharing the stern-eyed look of a certain Ethical Person with me. Of course, there's ice cream involved too. Oh and some of the girls in class are remarkably nice like Sarah and the Duchess and Geri and Val and Clare. Yes, Duchess, allow me to acknowledge your emminent nice-ness here. And Edmond for making me laugh at the erstwhile intimidating geppers and well, BhavanJamesAkesh for altering the crowd.

Ok, so that turned out to be another thank you note. I love writing thank you notes to people and it's nice I guess to feel appreciated. I never really know how great an impact I have on the class besides ensuring that we don't totally rock bottom the level. Ok, and occasionally adding to the (already quite high) level of bitchiness in class. But it's still nice to think of all the friends I've made since the beginning of the year. Haha, life is sweet. If only everybody would recognize that.

Oh and my entire family is scheduled to see the doctor. Ma and I at Tan Tock Seng, physio and endoscopy for me. Pa at the Eu Yan Sang Chinese doctor. My beloved, cute, little, plump, adorable, supremely intelligent, strangely gifted, ballet-dancing, origami-folding, poetry/prose writing, descane singing, french-speaking, higher chinese learning, wonder of a cook, sister who is going to go to KK to get her head checked for concussions after falling on her head.

Sigh. The doctors love our family. At least we're all covered by insurance which is very important. Ah yes.

And the day is coming, nay, looming around the corner. Geez, I'm so excited I could puke. I have obviously not reached the age when birthdays are a dread. Yet. Double rhyme punctuated by full stops, hint of irony- humour. Ha ha, reminds me of the dissertion of how laughter describes your mental state. Ok, never mind.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll pokes at his bandage and whines.

There is a reason why public healthcare exist and there's a reason why we have private hospitals. I have no idea why I actually spent 4 hours waiting at a polyclinic for a referral letter to Tan Tock Seng when I could have walked in. I suppose what ma said did make sense, why spend that sort of money when waiting a while can get you the same thing? You're free anyway, it's the holidays? Joy.

So I did my first urine test, got a referral letter to go to Tan Tock Seng to do an endoscopy. I'm quite worry about my health. I hope there's nothing wrong with my stomach but I highly doubt it. Oh well, I'll live I guess. So drama.

Anyway, today's PW was quite a breeze considering how other groups fumbled even with a script. I went in with no script and had to make things up on the spot. Wasn't in the mood so I'm quite sure I wasn't brilliant. I love extemporaneous speaking so what the hell. My question was so simple, idiotic. I was hoping for something more but oh well, I guess my response wasn't bad when compared to somebody else. Oh and I don't need PW anyway so no matter.

Disgusted by the Collapse book. It's all about geography and there's nothing about the social facet and other reasons for collapse. I'm fine with some geography and environmental issues but not for an entire book. I got so annoyed I finished my Chinese Design book first. Now there's only the monster of a history book Millenium, to read again.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll sits down and thinks.

I believe that there is a distressing lack of proper attention and sensitivity to languages today. This applies not only to languages that nobody seems to want to learn any more like Chinese but also to a worrying extent, the lingua franca- English. It strikes me as characteristic of our age that we have come to see the language as nothing more than yet another tool.

So many people use the language with no thought, thinking themselves so good with the language. They speak witticisms that lack the very wit they were meant to convey, they use imagery without comprehending the full extent of meaning that a singular image has. When one describes a guy to be a modern Adonis, one seeks only to describe the perfection of his physical beauty. Yet Adonis was a god that shone most brightly, capturing not merely the epitome of male beauty but the potency of youth and the danger of blindess from being too enamoured with it. If you really want a god to describe somebody you think of as oh so fuckable (yes, carelessness with language infects me as well because I am an unwitting member of our current generation), why not Dioynsus? Come to think of it, why don't we use some obscure Greek god to describe a woman whose beauty far surpasses the ordinary? Why not call her a veritable Hera? It'd would certainly be much better than a vixen because Hera conveys not merely beauty and caprice, it shows a sort of power that is available only to a beautiful woman. Does the father of Paris Hilton know that her daughter is named after a man? The very man who contributed to the Trojan War?

How many of you know that anyway?

I'm not writing this to ridicule the current generation who thinks themselves so adept in the English language as to think it a prudent choice to discard the very language that is their birthright. I would love to but this is not the place for me to display the full brunt of my ranting nature. What I would like to highlight here is the number of people who confuses the vernacular with the language itself.

Does one look at a word, democracy, and seek to find the root of the word? To understand a word with greater intimacy? No. So why then would one think nothing of calling oneself good in English when clearly, that is nothing short of hubris? It is disturbing, the manner in which the sophistication of language has crumbled, to be replaced in its stead by a mere verbal conduit. We are reduced to using the language to communicate a tirade of whodunnit and statistics and sensationalism and fear. All these wrapped up in best-sellers and current affairs, trash packaged as popular literature.

Yes, we have killed the truth in the search for the bare truth. Truth was never meant to be presented in such a way, truth is that elusive essence that arises when we stir the broth of human thought. The things we do with language today requires no thinking beyond the basic sort. We have come to a dearth of sorts, of knowledge even as we are faced with information overload. It is altogether a tragic way for language to die.

Another indication that language has been stripped of its beauty is the way we use it in daily live beyond how we use it to communicate. Conversation cannot transcend the happenings of today or tomorrow or yesterday, it will not go beyond the inanities of daily life. Youths today think nothing of wasting words to convey nothing. Such a waste of words! People roll their eyes at others who cannot hold forth a social conversation. People can be so contemptible! You do not discuss philosophy, the fundamentals of life and existence, and the knowledge that history, art and science can give us because you do not have the ability to. You think it boring because you know nothing of these things. One would think that having the time of youth and the wealth of parents, one would use it to purchase a bit of refinement and knowledge.

But no. We waste time catching movies, talking about people(are you not sick of people? 6 billion of them!!), sex and what else? Oh youth is stupid indeed. People even more so because they do not possess the will to outgrow the stupidity of youth.

Yes, I am in a not-people mood today. Each word calls to me, every book sings a different song. When one thinks of the image of singing, what does one see? The swan song? The oscurra lingua? The aria? The libretta? Quel chanson? No, don't answer. You clearly cannot. I pity you. I hate you. I weep for you. Have a nice day. No, no more days. I'm sick of days. Enjoy your existence in human-form whil you can.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll hates breakfast.

Fuck. I was going to have mozerella on my bread for breakfast but fungus took over the cheese and ate it up. OK, shall eat yucky inferior packaged cheese which is not cheese. I cannot believe the sort of food we still eat. Convenience food is meant for really impoverished people, in my opinion, given the abhorrent taste.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll loves foie gras.

Yes, fourth time blogging. This is dumb. Nevermind, I don't really have much to say because I haven't got my thoughts packed nicely. But I just want you guys to go look for this song which is really nice: If I Never Knew You, from Pocohantas. Yeah, it's a great song.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll ate a cat and spat out the cat.

I think I just may have gotten myself a *gasp* job for the holidays. I know it's stupid when there are so many things to do. I have a reading binge to follow through, I need to go out with Alps and Tong, I need to go out with my old school friends (YING! Wake up!), that is if Xuan doesn't have training again. I need to prepare for next year's S paper. I think I'll take Imperial Russian and Pre-war modern Japan as my case studies. I need to write my book. I need to take out my goache and start practicing. I need to prep up for next year's competition which I will join at the risk of flunking my A levels. I need to squeeze so many things in!

But I really want to take the sales job at Dunhill. It's $8/hour, if I work 8 hours a day, that's $64/day. It's flexible so if I work twice a week, that's $128. Pfft, that's my allowance for a week and I don't even have to work. But the chance of doubling my allowance is attractive. Very attractive considering the things I want to buy. And the chance to work on the sales level of Dunhill. Sure, it's no Hermes but neither is it as middle class as LV or Gucci which is sadly, thronged with nouveau riche types. Disgusting. The Dunhill store appears genteel and calm, staid and quite sleepy to be frank. It feels like Dior before Galliano, or Gucci before Dawn Mello and Tom Ford.

So I have decided, I need the cash and it'd be fun anyway. Of course, it'd be downright pitiful to earn that pittiance for a real living and I'd sooner shoot myself than earn that sort of money for a living but still, for a bit of fun. Ah yes. Haha, yeah, I shall spend it all on a gift for my mother and my sister. I really should keep to my promise of a diamond a year for my little sister. Oh well, when I get rich enough, I'll buy her that gorgeous canary diamonds cut and set in gold like little sheaves of corn for her.

Yay! The holidays are officially packed. And Alps seriously wants to kill me by arranging a kayaking session.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll speaks french!

You try too hard. Yes, I can see it. I can see through your facade and what I find is a pitiful inferiority complex. The wonder is that I never saw it before! Oh if only I had seen it, I'd have left you far behind. Oh how you crippled me, how you embittered me. Why did I spend so much of my time chained to the foolish mediocrity that was never meant for me? Ah yes, because it was the only thing that would suit you. How could I forget? But it is all right, we all rise above what we are sometimes. I forgive you for that. Yet I cannot forgive myself for having lain so low for the sake of another. No, it will not happen again. Jamais encore, je promis.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll hates munchies

Sleep is extremely important. A cardinal fact that I keep forgetting. Slept really late last night due to mahjong which is fairly addictive if you think about it. It's great to have a family of four, just enough to play mahjong!

Which reminds me, sooner or later, we're going to have to teach Alps and Tong how to play mahjong. I can't believe you guys don't know how to play!

Had this really funny dream. I was with Daniel I think and we had gone to New York for some strange reason and he actually walked into this neighbourhood that was obviously weird and scary, and tried to buy mineral water. Then I was like, 'Jewish bakery, let's go find a Jewish bakery.'And so we walked out of that place alive. Then next we got transported to this theatre with really cool chairs and the entire class was there so we decided to take a seat and watch the documentary. It was something like, 11 days around the world or something and as usual, I forgot my glasses. This was followed by a strange session in the hall where we were spoken to by our principal and then later on, I was with Tong outside some super cool mall with shiny metallic decor and we were waiting for Alps to materialize. Somehow, she brought along this woman who asked us what was nice about Singapore. Tong couldn't name any because he hates Singapore and then MIN LI appeared, saying the National Library was good. We all rolled our eyes and suddenly I was with this really beautiful woman, blond hair, tall and really loud. It was quite funny because she insisted on dragging me with her through the mall, I think she was my ma's friend or something. She stopped at a counter selling beauty products and started BUYING LIKE MAD. I thought she was really gorgeous and later on, my ma told me that she's never even completed her O levels. Wow.

Yes, so now I'm awake and I feel terrible. I really hate waking up feeling like shit. It's in my genes I tell you. We ALL wake up feeling like shits.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll reads and crumples into a sock.

I love mornings yet detest waking up so early to meet the morn. Oh, and I detest the afternoon and the evening. Both horrid phases of the diurnal and that transitional period between day and night. Yuck.

I shall now attempt to read quite a few books. There is a book on Chinese style, a book on 1000 years of history, a book called 'collapse'- about why some societies collapse while others flourish and finally, a fiction from Le Guin called the Left Hand of Darkness. She's another sci fi/fantasy author that makes reading the genres worthwhile. It's sad when magic swords and fireballs no longer make you as happy as they did before.

Dead. Tired. Shall lock my PS2 up. It's taking over me.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll takes all.

Ate lunch at the Swensen's at Causeway Point. Yeck, hate that place. It's somewhere above Sun Plaza and Ang Mo Kio and waaaaay below J8 which is in turn, waaaay below Paragon which is in turn waaaay below- you get my point. The thing is, all these people just pop up and you wonder why we even have a population problem when the population density is already so scary. It'd be nicer too if everybody were value-added. Oh no, our population is stuck in the manufacturing age when the world has made it impossible for Singapore to remain in that phase. Yes, maybe that's why I shouldn't be a politician. I would never be well liked because I cannot stand the common public that cannot and will not rise to the occasion in bettering itself to the extent of its own means.

Oh now where did that come from? I need to stop breaking out into politically sensitive issues or at least air my views on how this country ought to be run because clearly, I have now wish to get involved in politics. Although one must admit that the Singaporean Legacy is a beautiful thing to inherit. Look at our people, look at our assets, look at our government, we have achieved a singular state that can truly be called an embryionic utopia. Ok so we don't have the standard of living of Sweden but I believe that if we can only increase the efficieny with which we allocate capital in investments and do stuff that I haven't learnt of but will in this holiday by going to the national library and reading up on public policy and governance, Singapore would be a truly great place to live in. Of course, this in no way changes my dream of moving to Paris because it is there that I can accomplish my goal in life.

Who doesn't like Starck's latest Bac-Black glasses? Ye of little taste. Those beautiful chalices are perfect.

Obviously, I did my sets too. Gruesome. Absolutely gruesome.

Oh and ma has ordered a nice tiramisu cake for my birthday from BreadTalk because the strawberry cream one that I wanted was out of stock. I love cakes and it really is disgusting to have Bengawan Solo cakes for every birthday. Haha, and I spotted a beautiful pair of Converse sneakers in black leather and copper eyelets. Yeah, getting that as school shoes for next year. And of course, the G5 ipod for my birthday. Oh life is sweet. If only I had also asked for the 60 gig ibook or at least bought the Acer 3000 travelmate that Alps is carrying now which is making me salivate each time I look at it. Of course, apple still takes all because I love their design. God, they sure have some cool maven behind the screen designing their stuff. I hope they get Starck to design something for them. A new ipod or a powerbook. Yes!

C'est tout.

hurray

No wonder CC could change her blogskin with a snap of her fingers. It's so simple! Geez, and here I thought she'd become such a compgenius. Oh well, guess Alps still takes all for creating her own brooding, blue and black, angsty blogskin with her own apparition crawling out from underneath the computer table in drugged stupor with that 'now who did I kill' look.

Ah, breakfasted with Alps, Xiao Gun and May Anne today. Guess who suggested breakfast? Oh, Tong went with his friends so didn't join us. Weeerrrr. Ok and then after that took the train back with Xiao Gun who was going choa chu kang. *ahem* Yeah, along the way, we talked quite a lot. It'd bore the hell out of most people because it was part intellectually stimulating and part inane personal stuff. Yeah, booorrriiing.

Haha, yes, I shall get myself a G5 ipod because it is a) damn chio b) damn big c) damn chio d) damn chio e) damn nice e) damn chio. Ok, yeah, I shall get it. Speaking of which, a girl in RJ has an ipod nano with barely 15 songs in it. Hmmm...whether which girl that could be. Silly xiao mei mei.

Going for lunch with my ma now. Dammit, somebody teach me how to cartwheel and somersault, please? It's ridiculous being so flexible and not knowing what to do with it. I feel so wasted. Haha, yeah, please.

C'est tout.

lalala

Oh my goodness, this is cool (ref:http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9816703). I can just imagine all the things this would be useful for. Like, hijacking somebody's body from afar! Yeah, I always wished I could do that- steal people's bodies. If only to wreck some serious havoc though at the end of the day, I'd only be content living in my own.

My message to everyone out there is: EAT AN ORANGE. I mean it even if Alps thinks I'm crazy. Go to your fridge, pick the roundest, orangest orange you can find. Peel it with your bare hands until all that is left is a singular orange with its skin ripped off and the pith shaven off. Then you tear into it and suck the juices out. Oh my, sheer bliss. Yes, it's been quite a while since the last time I tasted oranges. It's funny how I hate orange juice but love oranges. Nevermind, it's suitably inane.

Oh and do have a care to read E M Forster's The Machine Stops. I think it's a beautifully written tale of a future dystopia. There are broad slashes of irony and even muted sorrow. It was chilling and scary yet very fulfilling to read. I love it when authors take something as naff as fantasy or sci fi and turn it into something greater. In The Machine Stops, I believe the author was trying to highlight the human paradox. That is our urge to both reach forth in progress, and hence alienate ourselves further from the natural world and also our other desire to return back to a simpler, more primeval past. Go read it and discover it for yourself, quite a brilliant piece I think.

I think I've lost my travel plan thingie. Now the Ministry will never let me travel abroad and I'll be shot upon arriving at Singaporean soil after my travels. Oh nooooo, please don't kill me. Ok, sorry.

C'est tout.

yes, saved!

Geri, thank you so much for telling me how to do the shit that blogspot refuses to do for me. I shall now sleep much better knowing that I can paragraph my blog entries.

yay!

Oh, and Alps is evil for suggesting that we go kayaking. Yup, can you imagine ME kayaking? No I hope. Haha, and Tong is a complete baaaaastard for agreeing because he has from what I gathered. You people arh, stop trying to drag the wen luo shu shen into the sun. I might combust and light up the place in an incendiary flare of hot ashes upon contact with the first creeper of sunlight. Yes, I shun the sun. Big deal. My entire family is allergic to the sun. Trust me, sunrays can and will kill you in the most grotesque manner.

Dashed something off the Fei Ya last night and I was just wondering, how on earth is my family supposed to send me to design school and then my sister to law/medical school thereafter? Supposedly, we have enough money to do both and I would think that I'm supposed to contribute to my sister's share of university funds. Oh how unfortunate my family is, to have two children capable of going on to university. I really envy my papa sometimes because he's never going to have to worry about sending my bros to university. Oh and my sister can get a scholarship. I can't.

Which brings me to my next point. Is landed property really good investment? I seriously doubt so. It appears to me that there is always an element of waste in buying property and expecting it to be an investment in the long run. I mean, there is the fact that de-appreciation sets in after five years, assuming that the property has no great historical value or any other intangible value. Then there is inflation which though claimed to be nearly dead, will always be with us. To the extent of my knowledge which on this subject would be measly, the singapore currency does not appear to be really strong anymore so pending further weaknesses in the currency, property really doesn't seem like such a good choice. This is weird but from my point of view, property investment is most profitable in the short run as a form of speculation although as evidence has shown, property speculation can be deadly and harmful for everybody involved and NOT involved. Nonetheless, it cannot be denied that there is value in owning property in a place where property rights are recognized primarily because there is the element of security and also because, well, your future generation might be making a loss selling that 19th century beaux-joie manor but at least they'll have SOME money for food. Haha, all in all, I guess buying and restoring property sounds more like a hobby than a livelihood.

Correct the blissfully misinformed and misguided here if you can. I'd appreciate it very much, just like you should appreciate it when I tell you that short, flared skirts are fucking ugly and no, having nice legs doesn't change the fact that they're fucking ugly.

C'est tout.

lalalala

I swear only sleep can keep me sane and happy. I think I got less happy as the year went by because I got less sleep. Seriously, I was so pissed off yesterday that I went to sleep at 7 and woke up at 10, right after dinner. I feel so guilty for indulging myself in such Edmond-like behaviour. I bet my price just went up by another million according to Daniel.

Oh, today has been a really busy day though when I think about it, nothing much was really done. I went out with my ma as promised, had breakfast at cafe cartel. Note to Daniel: Are you sure the pasta was very little? I'm quite sure the mushroom pasta filled me up. You eat TOO MUCH. Oh and then we just passed time and then reached home thereafter. I was quite depressed when I heard about the death of my ma's ex-colleague because it made me think of Hew Ting. You know, so many times I really miss her and I just want to give her a call, especially with my birthday so near. There was once when she turned up all drenched because she refused to bring an umbrella with her and my ma gave her a shirt to change into. I really really miss you, dear girl. I guess you never really know how much you treasure a friend until that friend is gone. Cynics who think cliches are just cliches ought to have a bobpin stuck up their urethra(s).

Anyway, it strikes me as funny that at the end of a year, I find myself with a whole bunch of new friends in the stead of the old who have all drifted away due to work and lack of communication though I'm sure we'll somehow always be bound by a faded memory. But still, gawd, I feel so naff today. I feel so flat and stupid and dull. Ok, not really but I'm suddenly in rambling mode.

Actually I'm not. I just want to end my school days quickly so I can move on. Yes, it's boring me and I'm getting restless. A sidenote: Project Runway is an absolute farce. You do not commercialize the industry itself. WE commercialize art. A true fashion designer never speaks about artistic integrity because at the end of the day, we produce clothes to be worn. The woman is the end-product of our poetic craft, we live to glorify the woman. We do not create clothes with a stroke of whimsy because what each article of clothing must do is bring out the woman in her proud glory, to release her from the agony and dulling insecurity she is made to bear with each passing day. We live to liberate the woman figure from the woman. We'd do the same thing for men too except I sincerely believe that metro is not the way to go, le gentilhomme would fit in better. You people dress like slobs. I can't stand youths. You walk out of the house half-naked and you wear a cap! Ugh, little boys wear caps. If you can't carry off a proper hat then go topless. Sheesh.

C'est tout.

weelll lookie here

Time does fly, ten more days to that special day and Alps remembered! Haha, and Tzhock and Ying and Xuan. Great people. I wonder who else remembers? Oh well, I'll be calling up you guys soon anyway so make yourself free on that day ok?

Spent the whole day with the group discussing about YA. Then headed down to Raffles City to meet Alps' cousin who just came from Malaysia for a few days. It was quite funny because Alps was being antisocial and so Tong was the one talking to him. We went to Marche for lunch and ate daaaaamn lot. Alps, next time, you're going to listen to me and just take ONE dessert, ya hear me? Geez.

Oh and then Tong left so it was just Alps, her cousin and me because May Anne left as well. So we took the train home and that marked the end of a day. Of course, let's not forget the talk about servant politics, cheap maids and drivers and Tong's Ethical Policy. Another thing both Alps and I agree on, we have an urge to call Tong Father sometimes, especially when he starts lecturing us which is quite often consider the things Alps and I talk about.

Shit, I am sooo tired. Oh and I have Jay Chou's latest cd tucked into my little ibook all thanks to Tong. Haha, I love my life.

C'est tout.

blank doll says 'morning!' and promptly collapses

Ouch. I just want somebody to appreciate the fact that here I am, awake when I slept at 2 am. This is in no way common for me. I feel awful, my Body hates me for not giving it proper rest. Ouch. Why am I even here? I'm going back to sleep.

C'est tout.