Blank Doll asks for a favour.

This may sound strange but I've always wished that Mr. Lee Kuan Yew were my grandfather. All right, no surprise there and I'm sure there will be those who, in their bid to be helpful, will remind me that if he really were my grandfather, I'd have had perished the thought of doing fashion design.

But there is some quality that the man possesses, some sort of charisma and authority that make him such a admirable figure. I do not at all think that he tries hard to cling to power, that is the talk of young cynics and I fancy to think that youths who express such views do so only to hide their immaturity or ignorance. This is a man who fought for Singapore's independence, who together with his fellow colleagues brought Singapore to where we are today. This is the man who cried before a nation when at that darkest moment in our history, everything seemed to have been lost. This is the man who has enabled us today to lift our heads up high as Singaporeans. He is paternal, no-nonsense in his discipline of his children and his people but also benevolent. Mr. Lee Kuan Yew is the rare politician who sees his country's fortunes as his fortunes and so strive to the betterment of both. It may very well be that placed in another country, Mr Lee Kuan Yew may never have become the great man that he is, but placed in another country, Singapore would never have become the great country that we are today.

I am scared. Truly scared for Mr. Lee Kuan Yew is old. It is the same fear and worry that a grandchild may have when faced with the prospect with the imminent passing of his beloved grandparent. He has been the light of Singapore, upon his words do we set the compass of our nation. Where will we go from here without him? We have leaders after him of course, but who among them may approximate his strength, his foresight and his vigour? So I pray everyday, pray that Mr. Lee Kuan Yew may live for as long as he will. I believe I have grown to love this man who because he sees himself as the grandfather of the nation, has come to be like a grandfather to me.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll

Oh my goodness, people, relax. Yes the exams are around the corner, but this is absurd.

Something tells me I should just about start now. About time anyway.

I want a pair of shoes. I buy only a pair a year. That alone should be justification enough for why I can buy a pair from Tod's without feeling guilty.

Like, duh.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll yells.

Now if I actually remember what I have to write, then this will be a long post.

First, this little bit of pseudo-intellectual stuff is for xj who probably can't stand reading about the rest of my life and my hopeless obsession with food.

History S today was about modernization, colonialism and South-East Asia. I quite agree with the idea that colonialism and westernization were two different things and I subscribe to the idea that colonialism was the vehicle by which westernization made its presence felt in South-East Asia.

It is a sad fact of history that the modern era came to be the European era to the extent that modernization and Westernization were inextricably bound together in the context of South-East Asia. Mrs. Chia raised a rather interesting argument that this modernization process came to become a homogenization of South-East Asia. I would beg to differ, cliche as it sounds, because I maintain that far from a homogenizing factor, modernization vis a vis colonialism was more a, if I may bastardize a word, heterogizing factor. We know of course that pre-European South-East Asia was an unmarked landscape of remarkable fluidity very much like Europe at an earlier time. For example, the people of Sumatra and the peninsular proper all spoke Malay or its linguistic variants while across South-East Asia, Islam and Buddhism largely held sway with an entire layer of syncretism in between. Founded in this context, the diversity of pre-European South-East Asia was clearly only visible upon closer scrutiny.

Yet what colonialism did was to demarcate the regions, to impose foreign institutions that were the end result of centuries of germination in Europe and to colour in the empty spaces with their respective shades. It became then that on close inspection, everything became rationalized and the same. Yet one only had to step back to see that the coming of the Europeans had forcefully solidified the erstwhile fluid mass that was South-East Asia to the extent that the differences that were once blurred became very distinct. This, in my opinion, was the ferment from which nationhood in South-East Asia was born.

That said, what I cannot tolerate is the idea that the West was superior. Yes, they were technological advanced but institutionally? I do agree that the European standard was superior to the South-East Asian standard then but the argument which I cannot abide by is that some universal benchmark of progress exist and the Europeans arrived at the pinnacle faster than the rest. Absurd, I tell you!

As usual, I lost track of what I was going to say save that I felt very sad (what's new?) when I thought of how the West came and took over.

Oh, and Mrs. Chia gave me a Merit ++ which was close to a Distinction but obviously not one since I didn't deserve one.

Overall, here are my grades:

GP A2

Literature A

Economics B

History B

Econs S U

Hist S M

Considering how little I studied for some of them and how I completely didn't study for the others, I suppose it's fair. I am annoyed that I did so badly for economics because I know I could have gotten an A if I tried and I really have to get a grip on Source Base if I ever want to get an A for History. I think I can manage a D for Econs S, I just need practice in the style. Hist S is promising considering the fact that I didn't prepare for South-East Asia and got an M++ as well as the fact that I read E H Carr the day before the exam, used nothing from that book and still got an M for the General Section. With the exception of GP and History S (like, duh), I didn't top any of the other subjects in my class and I most certainly did not top the level for anything this time round. I'm not disheartened though, twas' not my peak that's all.

Oh the utter pride. Haha, it's a character flaw I suppose.

On a different note, my back hurts. I think I have a tendency to overwork a particular muscle group. My legs are healing fine though which means I can probably run next week. About time!

Yet another different note, I often wonder about my dealings with other people. It's not just that my friends don't last, but that I actually like making enemies and I do so without regard. Most of the time, they're just people I cannot stand and despise. You'd be surprised at how many contemptible people there are in school. The question is of course, how tolerable am I anyway? I'd like to think that I'm a good friend, especially to people like xj and akesh. Val too. Some of the guys in class like bhavan and darius and all of the girls now I think. Candice yo. People I know from other class whom I have come to treasure in such a short period of time.

The thing is, do I really do enough for them? Do they really care? Most of the time, I'm not sure if I'm even a good friend though I like to think so. I know I can be overbearing at times, completely detestable sometimes and just downright mean but at the end of the day, I love them all.

Maybe I'm not a good person, but that's never stopped me from being a good friend.

And I love you.

My friends from my past too, they have been with me through so much. We have laughed , shared our tears and drunk from the cup of youth together.

But I would choose to be alone, would take the Devil's Bargain.

I'm sorry.

And maybe I can't feel regret anymore. The Devil, he takes me so.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll eats.

Yesterday at the Bar and Billiard Room of the Raffles Hotel was wonderful. My mother can be so beautiful when she dresses up properly and not wear her rugged clothes. The food was rather nice too. I especially loved the barbequed food since it was prepared by a chef which meant that I didn't have to dirty my fingers. The cold soups were delicious, served as they were in shot-glasses. I didn't like the pasta though and the raw seafood was none too fresh or at least not as fresh as it should be. The leg of lamb was something fine and the curried chicken pie was good. I liked the desserts very much, especially the candied oranges that were enrobed in chocolate. The pear sorbet was a nice end to the entire meal.

See? I can have self-control and not gush about food all the time.

Mainly because I have only three minutes to blog.

Scorpio- (Oct. 23- Nov. 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall acheive the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a plu-perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most scorpios are murdered.

How very, very true.

But they forget to tell you that Scorpios were born very trusting and it's only their propensity to get hurt by betrayals and lies that render them so untrustworthy later on in life. So the next time you meet a Scorpio i.e me, do remember to treat him or her better since Scorpios remember for life.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll smiles.

While running up the stairs, I suddenly thought of a line:

Think you I so intemperate to be swayed by the merest prick of sense?

I am sometimes speechless at my own behaviour or my thoughts. It is as if it were someone else and I but a familiar experiencing his sentiments and emotions though I exert no control over the body.

I have been really tired today. It does not bode well for tomorrow.

Dinner at Raffles Hotel tomorrow with my mother, let's hope that cheers me up.

Protegez-moi ou non. Ca m'egale maintenant.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll

Great day, wot?

I change again. This time, I hope you'll be there for me.

Thank you.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll

Blogspot sucks for forcing me to make my own line breaks.

Currents

Current Mood: horribly angsty with a tinge of wounded pride

Current Taste: perfect as always

Current Clothes: Calvin Klein pyjamas

Current Desktop: ma, mei and me smiling for the camera in Japan

Current Toenail Colour: toenailish

Current Time: 9.33pm

Current Surroundings: aircon humming behind, ipod on the table, dictionary on the printer

Current Annoyances: that the A levels are coming and all I want to do is drink cocktails and attend fashion school.

Current Thoughts: suits, fabrics, chocolates, watches, the devil

Firsts

First Best Friends: Jenny who flew away to Australia

First Crush: Can't remember, probably random people on the street

First Movie: The Powder Man but nobody remembers this show.

First Lie: when my childhood playmate broke a figurine at home and I lied that the wind blew it

First Music: Madonna and Mozart

Lasts

Last Cigarette: Nope, not smoking. I detest smokes.

Last Drink: distilled water

Last Car Ride: sarahs mom gave akesh and i a lift to wisma this afternoon.

Last Crush: nevermind

Last Movie: The King and the Clown, guess who cried?

Last Phone Call: few hours ago with my sister

Last CD played: Hikaru Utada's Exodus

Last song played: Sanctuary

Have you ever

Have you ever dated one of your best friends: yeah.

Have you ever broken the law: le loi, c'est moi.

Have you ever been arrested: assuredly not

Have you ever skinny-dipped: when I was really young and it didn't count

Have you ever been on TV: once

Have you ever kissed someone you dont know: ask me this five years later

Things

5 things you are wearing: Singapore deh, there's no 5 things to wear.

4 things you did today: picked up stuff with akesh, worked out, cried, read

3 things you can hear right now: the aircon humming, my fingers typing and my heart beating

2 places you love: Paris and Hell

1 thing u do when you're bored: think

C'est tout.

Blank Doll

Je n'ai pas du regret pour ce dont j'ai dit ou fait.

I have a sudden urge for many things. I want to listen to the soundtracks from the movie Gattaca so I can properly weep. I hate to cry you know, prefering to weep. It just seems so much more dignified.

I also have a strange urge for tea rice with fish roe. This is really disturbing.

I saw the devil today and he was wearing blue pointy shoes, what a let-down.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll says so.

Je commence à penser que vous ne vous inquiétez pas du tout. Oui, vous me faites triste avec votre sang-froid que je commence à ne penser pas aussi bien. Est-ce donc ma faux? Je ne pense pas ainsi, ou plutôt, je ne me sens pas ainsi. Pardonnez-moi si je ne comprends pas assez. Peut-etre, vous pourriez essayer me comprendre aussi.

My throat hurts now. I'm annoyed.

So many things have happened. I have so much fun in class when I don't think about the fact that I have an A levels to take. It is SO annoying especially when you know the path you have chosen will not require the A levels.

I am more than passing glad however that none of the university admissions exercise nonsense concerns me. It is here that you see how serious Rafflesians are about their life. Everybody wants to go somewhere, everybody plans to succeed.

Princeton, Brown, Dartmouth, Harvard, Columbia, UPenn, Cornell, Yale, Oxford, Cambridge, LSE, MIT and so many other schools. My goodness, how wonderfully ambitious and talented our students are!

I will of course knock on the door of another school- Parsons. It's not easy to get in so in a way, I have my own worries too. I won't have the near-guaranteed success that first class honours in one of those super schools will confer but I will try my damned hardest.

Besides, right now, all I want to do is savour my remaining days at Raffles Junior College. I really have grown to love my school.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll drinks tea.

I just chanced on my old blog and it has made me think. I have changed this year. Alot. Maybe I'm thankful for it but I can't help but think that some inner child of me died while I wasn't looking.

Maybe it's because I stopped hoping for somebody to see that other side of me.

So here I am, and forget about existential divides, I want a pair of John Lobb's ankle boots in suede.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll

Because I've nothing better to blog. Well, obviously I do but still.

Maybe I should stop being so bloody complacent for once.

I love the fact that I have my life before me and GOD by my side.

I don't understand why people can be such idiots about things.

I lose sleep when I think about how I will always remain alone because I have traded companionship in life for material success.

People say i'm the epitome of snobism? SNAGness? What?

Love is a bitter salve by which we die though we beg for more.

When I like someone it's never permanent.

Somewhere, someone is wandering where I am and it'd be too late by the time we meet.

I will always be the boy with great expectations.

Forever is disgusting. I mean, I can understand and love the concept of eternity but only in the after-life. It really is scary to live forever though I wish I could.

I never want to fail at life, this includes being horribly hurt by someone I've grown to love.

I think the current US President is the by-product of two and a half century of American stupidity and proof of why we do not let the great unwashed vote.

I will never understand why people could be satisfied in their mediocre ways and not strive to better themselves.

My past is embarrassing and something I am determined to forget.

My greatest fear is to die mediocre and impoverished without having a suite named after me at the claridge's.

I get annoyed by stupid, uncouth people of the working class persuasion.

My dog is far away from me though I love her still.

Kisses are the best stolen, snatched, with great force, urgency and just a touch of power play and pain.

Tomorrow is when I make my next million.

I really want to live the life I've dreamt for myself.

I have low tolerance for inept, mediocre, chauvinistic, unsparkling, uncouth, uninspired people.

All right, my friends are at each other's throats for something seemingly facile and I don't know why. I tire of it but ah well, I am a servant of their sentiments and I can do nothing but watch and cry.

Take it slow and do it by the night.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll sits still.

Ouch, my legs still hurt. This will be very bad if I have to limp around the stage while I present on Saturday. Not very sure what to read for the economics quiz, I hope it won't be too difficult. But heck, it's supposed to be difficult right? That's why we have Shang! Yeah, that's right.

Today's been a great day in so many ways. Well, it has been so for me. Cheer up y'all!

I need to take a nap. Seriously, or I'll collapse.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll

You think your life very sian right? You want to whine and scream right? Get your grades into shape and then do something useful like pick litter along East Coast Park or something instead of trailing people home.

Ooops, ok, grumpy today. I don't think I'm so much grumpy as I am whiney today which explains why nobody wants to approach me today. Ok, I'm getting freaked out with the thought of representing Raffles Junior College at the NEQ finals seeing as I don't know what caused me to sign up for the test in the first place and why any teacher would forward my name as a possible candidate.

Damn you, damn you.

Meanwhile, the pressure's mounting for me to start being hardworking for once and not rely on what's left in my brains. I am proud to say that I have to date resisted any urge to mug since that was the cause of my downfall at the O Levels though I must say that it certainly is tempting.

Does doing homework count? I figured it didn't, even if you're doing homework in advance of the teacher's instructions. The problem is, I should be on my knees tracing out toiles and cutting them for practice instead of all these pointless essays.

Yes, dears. Sean has reached a level of academic zen never achieved before. Watch me enter the A levels without fear. I can't wait to go to Paris and do my thing.

I just thought of a brilliant dress.

Still, it would be nice to have As on my report card wouldn't it?

Freaking out again. I think I'll go on a holiday soon.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll.

I think my lungs have been permanently impaired now thanks to my recent spate of illnesses. I can scarce take a breath without coughing and I keep feeling short of breath. To make it worse, my left leg hurts so much from all that running and splints that now it throbs with pain on its own accord. If I don't see a doctor soon, I shall have to limp to school.

I think I've unwittingly offended a good friend of mine because there's this sudden gap. Maybe I'm just sensitive but if I have then it really is a misunderstanding and I apologize though it'd be embarrassing for me to apologize directly. So there, I'm sorry.

To Victor's amusement, I have fallen head over heels with bubblegum music. Hikaru Utada rocks ok!

Let's talk more,

And about the tomorrow that's before your very eyes.

Turn off the television,

And look only at me.

I love that line.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll screams.

Another great day! Haha, I don't feel that depressed anymore since I found out that my horrendous results turned out to be Bs.

Now now, this doesn't meant that I'm not upset, merely that I accept the fact that not studying produces crap results. I just don't want to peak so early in the game.

But from here on, it's up and up! :D

Just reread that, er, nevermind.

You want to know if you're a good teacher? Just look at the faces of your students, bitch.

I refuse to cut my hair, nobody is going to make me cut my hair unless I wish to. So there. Don't even think that I fear the establishment.

I can be horrid sometimes, but most people don't deserve kindness anyway.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll freezes up.

Today was a great day. I know, I sound schizoprenic don't I? Alternating from feeling like shit to being happy, but I figured there wasn't any point mulling over things when nothing's set in stone yet.

Oh, and I love math. :P

I wish I had something amazingly insightful to blog about like the importance of Egyptian cotton blends in tropical countries but I'm just drained today.

I'm also ill now so there.

Hug me?

C'est tout.

Blank Doll is annoyed.

Stop trying. It won't work.

I know you're trying.

We'll see about that.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll eats up.

Our teacher delivered a vitriol against the elitism of Raffles Junior College students again. You will know of course that I cannot possibly agree with her even if elitism can be taken to most distasteful extremes. I shall not bother to write an essay on this since I have vented my spleen on this particular issue on a number of occasions. All I can say is, it is the elitism of Raffles Junior College that confers such a cachet to its name.

You are simply stupid or intellectualy slovenly, or both, if you cannot distinguish complacency from elitism. I for one will admit to being too lazy to explain the difference to you since if you chance to ask me for the difference, then you clearly do not belong to one of us.

The fact is, the order of society depends on the basic assumption of inequality. This is the natural order of society, this is why we have always made an effort to counter this prejudice towards inequality. Inequality can take on many disturbingly barbaric forms of which are many but what we are talking here is an inequality that stems from the idea of meritocracy. Our forefathers who established this system of meritocracy founded it on the idea that because we, though all children of Singapore, are vested by Nature with different abilities and are not made equal. That the system seeks to sort the wheat from the chaff merely enables society to enrich itself with the fruits of its labour for those with the gift for leadership, I said for and not of since I do not believe that leadership is an inherent gift and that only certain preconditions may be present beforehand which makes a person a better candidate for the role of leader, may be tutored in the ways of governance and rule.

At Raffles Junior College, we take in some of the best of the youths of our generation. True, we are not all polite, courteous, marvellously creative or even very inspiring people. Indeed, we may be snobbish, spoilt, street stupid, frivolous and even harbour a phobia of public transport and ugly shoes. But it is at Raffles Junior College that we are polished, that we may develop into the guiding lights of Singapore and deliver the impoverished, the ignorant and the base from their despicable plight.

Our teacher then mentioned the fact that we as Rafflesians who are meant to be the leaders of Singapore cannot do so without knowing the people. Well, I know the people and they certainly are not very nice. Human nature is vile, those who are not given the gift of education even more so. What we seek then is to build the foundations of a society of culture, an island civilisation of grace, the very font of social virtue from which all may partake from. We build Singapore as an upwardly mobile society because we want a populace that dreams of better things. It is the people who care only for their little lives, to ekk out their petty livelihoods, these figures made of chaff, that we seek to discourage. Singapore was built on the backs of labourers and petty businessmen, it is time that we move on to make ourselves the indispensable heart of South East Asia as leaders, administrators, innovators, financiers, organisers and educators. Raffles Junior College believes in all this. We believe in the worth of each of us and while this may not leave room for others, our collective abilities more than compensate what we as individuals may not be willing to do.

Then there are the people who accuse Raffles Junior College of being a very incestuoust nest of people with connections. Think about it you pathetic idiots. We are in a sense, the best of Singapore because we are noted not only for our merit but also for our relations. It is the people who come in by connections, who though often do not contribute to the school's repute by their merit, who enrich the school in more ways than one. The finances they provide are marginal when compared to the connections they bring to Raffles Junior College which is arguably the best networking place for children our age. You only have to look around to see that the movers and shakers of Singapore all share a common experience, Raffles Junior College. It is us who take the places at the top universities with our more egalitarian cousins at Hwa Chong, it is us who will with them seek to bring Singapore to greater heights.

Finally, for those who argue that there are also gifted students in other Junior Colleges and people for whom the academic path suits them not, then here is what I have to say. I want to be a fashion designer. I will be applying to Parsons Paris instead of Oxbridge. I did not go to any other school because I want the best that the system has to offer, not just in academics, but in the Quality of the people. You will also find, incidentally, that the people of Quality in other schools are often the exception and not the rule which makes it rather pointless to use them as evidence that our elitism is not justified. Furthermore, the artists, writers and dancers as well as other people who have gifts out of the mainstream will not be those who will govern Singapore. I will certainly not have a say in the governance of Singapore save by my right as a Citizen of our glorious nation. As such, they have their right in doing so and prove only that the inequality inherent in meritocracy breeds diversity and does not in fact quash the creative potential of the individual.

Did I say no essays? Well, sorry, I'm not the stupid shit who don't support elitism.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll gets tagged.

4 beverages I enjoy from time to time:

1) a good hot chocolate the way they do it at Angelina's in Paris. You melt a chocolate bar and whisk in some milk. No shit chocolate either, get a good bar.

2) dare I say a champagne cocktail? I'm in love with the stuff, it makes me so happy.

3) iced earl grey vanilla. I try it when I can find it. There is something about the combination of vanilla ice cream and cold tea that makes it so irresistable, must be the perfume. Of course, the problem with this drink is that one must never try to push the ice cream into the drink since everything just spills over.

4) Mineral water with a good pedigree. Evian is a catch-all but there are others that are really good. Yes, Sean IS a water snob and you're just sad if you can't tell the difference.

4 fantastic destinations I would like to go to on vacation before I die (excluding those i already went!):

1) Istanbul. The history! 2600 years of it all! I want to see the Hagia Sophia, the ruins of Constantinepole and the palace of the sultan. How can anyone not pay tribute to this city of cities.

2) St. Petersburg. For the caviar and blinis as well as the Hermitage. What else?

3) New York. Can you believe it? I have never been to New York before! How impossible is that? I want to have tea at the Four Seasons, go to MoMa and relax at the Met.
4) Tokyo. I HAVE to go to Tokyo if only to marvel at this most impossible of cities that was once called the city waiting to be destroyed since it lies on not one but three fault lines. But still, think of all the shopping and stuff.

4 celebrities I would like to go on a big date with:

1) M. Tom Ford. I'm sorry. I worship the man. What I wouldn't give to have lunch with him.
2) Ferran Adria, the guy behind El Bulli. What I'd actually like is for him to cook for me and then share tea with me thereafter. Why? Because he suscribes to the same idea as me, that food should be tasted more than eaten.

3) Mr. Putin. The world detests him but there's something about him that's quite intriguing. I want to ask him what he plans for Russia and how does he do it? Keeping power so well.

4) Mr. Arnault, head honcho of LVMH. Why do I want to have lunch with him? What do you think? He OWNS Dior, Louis Vuitton, Givenchy, Donna Karen and GOD only knows what else. Celine too I bet.

You will note that I daren't lunch with Mr. Lee Kuan Yew. This is because I'm afraid of him and I know he'll disapprove of me and I simply cannot endure the disapproval of a man I so respect and admire.

4 gadgets I do not have, which I would like to have:

1) The White Leather Vertu 2006 model. It is perfection.

2) A Vacheron Constantine tourbillon. The new one with three surfaces and 16 complications.

3) A Bentley Intercontinental Flying Spur with a chauffeur thrown in.

4) What else? A state-of-the-art sound system with Nautilus speakers.

4 ppl i'm tagging

1) Akesh because it'd be fun to see what you write.

2) Xuan, to resuscitate your blog.

3) Geri!

4) Edmond to see what sort of weird stuff he comes up with.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll laughs.

Some people are so odious you wonder what others see in them.

You know, I love our class. Everyone have been great, well, almost everyone. I still get the wish-I-was-in-humans funk once in a while but that's mostly the teachers' fault.

Today's History S test was fine I suppose. I just want to see how I fared seeing as I used the values of European civilisation as one of my criteria. Like, ACK.

You know, there are people in my life whom I miss. People whom I take for granted. You know who you are. No, not you. Who cares that you never bother to look for me? You were pathetic anyway. No, I'm talking about you.

I need a shrink.

Or maybe I just need a close friend to lecture me on how selfish and materialistic I am.

Maybe somebody will ask me to lecture them on how despicably petty and working class they are.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll.

You know, of course, that I came from a neighbourhood school. In the four years that I have been there, I have come to know wonderful friends without the artifice of glamour, teachers whose sincerity and simple hopes for us was often as touching as it was discouraging and the little things in life that made contentment such a pleasure.

But I have also known the worst wretches that one does not see beyond the walls of proper Society, the most ill breed of curs whose base Cunning is as much a affront to good sense as our Intelligence is a balm.

I have befriended despicable people who took my amity for naught, who stifled what virtues I might have possessed in their own cesspit of mediocrity. It is just as well that we parted ways and their place in the scheme of things looms far away from mine.

Now my sister faces the same problem. I will not see her embroiled in the petty doings of the uncouth clique with which she surrounds herself. I will not have her startling intelligence ruined by the absurd ignorance of people who purport to be her best friend when what they do is break her heart.

Perhaps I do inform her sensibilities with my own prejudices, but it is fitting that that which does not befit her brother should not be worthy of her attention as well.

The niggling, incorrigibly narrow-minded, brutally savage working class mentality that some people cling so fervently to stirs such revulsion in me that I have no words to describe it.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll cries.

I'm sorry. I love foie gras too much to endorse the say no to foie gras campaign.

I'm a slave to foie gras and I'm proud of it!

C'est tout.

Blank Doll wakes up.

Reading the memoirs of le duc de st. simon has been most instructive, seeing that I have dreamt of Versailles for the past three nights. Yesterday's dream, involving the duke, me as some weird spy and some other woman buying back his property tops it all.

Anyway, in line with my horoscope's suggestion that I abandon old ideas and old ways of doing things, I have put my old sketchbook in the same place with all my tys and notes and have taken out a new sketchbook. It's like, the Cultural Revolution all over again though it's probably not as traumatic since the only violence I did to anyone was the act of ripping off the freaking shrink wrap on my new sketchbook. Like, who the hell shrink wraps sketch books? Hello, do you see a sell-by date on sketch books? Do sketch books have a sell-by date?

Victor accuses me of having a silly preoccupation with rank which in turn prompted me to analyze my preoccupation with it. It's not really silly, is it? We live in a world where the conference of rank through birth has largely been extirpated by the good efforts of the great unwashed who probably grew tired of how they could never pronounce the litany of names that such noble births entailed. But we have only replaced rank by birth with rank by merit. Yes my dear, rank by merit includes wealth as well. This is why the new heirarchy is just as self-perpetuating as the old though it certainly presents less of a half-baked justification along the lines of how since my great grandfather fought beside the King then, so I must be as good as my great grandfather. Now we have since my great grandfather was a sugar baron, then I am as good as he is because I have even more money than him.

The fact is, what is society without rank? We are individuals who are our worst make Hobbes' Leviathan look like a promenade through the park, whose unlimited desires confound the boundaries of sanity. It is unbridled power that rank serves to temper. Yes, rank confers power but it dictates to whom power goes to, how power may be used and the degree of power as exercised by each individual. Without rank, there is no order and power goes to he who has no compunction in the act of murder. The replacement of rank by birth with rank by merit has merely changed the criteria with which we determine the various rank of various people.

It is worthy of note here that in China and her past dependencies, rank by merit has been the norm for more centuries than it has been in Europe. The imperial examination apparatus, with which power was conferred, was never demolished by the barbarians who ruled China. While it is true that birth could make a man's life easier because offices of a lesser degree could be purchased, it was based on the fact that one's elders (presumably your father) had achieved his rank by his own merit in the examinations. In addition, while the birth into a wealthy family may help, it was not so much the fact that one belonged to the family that smoothed the path of one but the resources of the family that allowed one to move forward in Society.

Meritocracy breeds inequality just as well as other systems of power. To ignore this inequality on some misguided sense of social correctness undermines the incentives as well as the very objective of meritocracy.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll cheers.

Aside, I've been running so much that I've gotten shin splints. Ouch, never knew that was going to happen to me. AND, my lame attempts at pull-ups improved! I did three before I couldn't do anymore and settled for hanging on the bar for 15 more seconds before coming down. Whoo, I'm so proud of myself!

Haha, ok, I know. It was pathetic. But still.

Nice try, huh.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll..

This is written to all my friends. I know I often oscillate from jealous obsession to indifference and it's very trying to be my friend. I don't often care enough for those near to me and then all too often I take it onto myself to weigh in on my friends.

I'm insecure and horrible. I'm selfish as much as I am one for demanding that my friends give me their full attention.

So let me ask for your forgiveness, I'm sorry for taking you for granted and then sorry too that I make it seem as if I own your life.

Be nice to me, I'm trying.

C'est tout.