Blank Doll yells.

Now if I actually remember what I have to write, then this will be a long post.

First, this little bit of pseudo-intellectual stuff is for xj who probably can't stand reading about the rest of my life and my hopeless obsession with food.

History S today was about modernization, colonialism and South-East Asia. I quite agree with the idea that colonialism and westernization were two different things and I subscribe to the idea that colonialism was the vehicle by which westernization made its presence felt in South-East Asia.

It is a sad fact of history that the modern era came to be the European era to the extent that modernization and Westernization were inextricably bound together in the context of South-East Asia. Mrs. Chia raised a rather interesting argument that this modernization process came to become a homogenization of South-East Asia. I would beg to differ, cliche as it sounds, because I maintain that far from a homogenizing factor, modernization vis a vis colonialism was more a, if I may bastardize a word, heterogizing factor. We know of course that pre-European South-East Asia was an unmarked landscape of remarkable fluidity very much like Europe at an earlier time. For example, the people of Sumatra and the peninsular proper all spoke Malay or its linguistic variants while across South-East Asia, Islam and Buddhism largely held sway with an entire layer of syncretism in between. Founded in this context, the diversity of pre-European South-East Asia was clearly only visible upon closer scrutiny.

Yet what colonialism did was to demarcate the regions, to impose foreign institutions that were the end result of centuries of germination in Europe and to colour in the empty spaces with their respective shades. It became then that on close inspection, everything became rationalized and the same. Yet one only had to step back to see that the coming of the Europeans had forcefully solidified the erstwhile fluid mass that was South-East Asia to the extent that the differences that were once blurred became very distinct. This, in my opinion, was the ferment from which nationhood in South-East Asia was born.

That said, what I cannot tolerate is the idea that the West was superior. Yes, they were technological advanced but institutionally? I do agree that the European standard was superior to the South-East Asian standard then but the argument which I cannot abide by is that some universal benchmark of progress exist and the Europeans arrived at the pinnacle faster than the rest. Absurd, I tell you!

As usual, I lost track of what I was going to say save that I felt very sad (what's new?) when I thought of how the West came and took over.

Oh, and Mrs. Chia gave me a Merit ++ which was close to a Distinction but obviously not one since I didn't deserve one.

Overall, here are my grades:

GP A2

Literature A

Economics B

History B

Econs S U

Hist S M

Considering how little I studied for some of them and how I completely didn't study for the others, I suppose it's fair. I am annoyed that I did so badly for economics because I know I could have gotten an A if I tried and I really have to get a grip on Source Base if I ever want to get an A for History. I think I can manage a D for Econs S, I just need practice in the style. Hist S is promising considering the fact that I didn't prepare for South-East Asia and got an M++ as well as the fact that I read E H Carr the day before the exam, used nothing from that book and still got an M for the General Section. With the exception of GP and History S (like, duh), I didn't top any of the other subjects in my class and I most certainly did not top the level for anything this time round. I'm not disheartened though, twas' not my peak that's all.

Oh the utter pride. Haha, it's a character flaw I suppose.

On a different note, my back hurts. I think I have a tendency to overwork a particular muscle group. My legs are healing fine though which means I can probably run next week. About time!

Yet another different note, I often wonder about my dealings with other people. It's not just that my friends don't last, but that I actually like making enemies and I do so without regard. Most of the time, they're just people I cannot stand and despise. You'd be surprised at how many contemptible people there are in school. The question is of course, how tolerable am I anyway? I'd like to think that I'm a good friend, especially to people like xj and akesh. Val too. Some of the guys in class like bhavan and darius and all of the girls now I think. Candice yo. People I know from other class whom I have come to treasure in such a short period of time.

The thing is, do I really do enough for them? Do they really care? Most of the time, I'm not sure if I'm even a good friend though I like to think so. I know I can be overbearing at times, completely detestable sometimes and just downright mean but at the end of the day, I love them all.

Maybe I'm not a good person, but that's never stopped me from being a good friend.

And I love you.

My friends from my past too, they have been with me through so much. We have laughed , shared our tears and drunk from the cup of youth together.

But I would choose to be alone, would take the Devil's Bargain.

I'm sorry.

And maybe I can't feel regret anymore. The Devil, he takes me so.

C'est tout.