Blank Doll rests.

Yesterday was great. It was great in a normal way, great in a spiritually unfulfilling way. We went for brunch at the Marriott and half died eating oysters and prawns. Haha, I have a strange craving for seafood. Actually, I have a strange craving for very sinful food. What's the gastronomic equivalent of a sado-masochist? Oh wait, I know, Sean!

Ma famille then went to watch Narnia which I am proud to say, made me cry again. Damn it, I cannot believe that I actually see all the christian symbolism in there. It is altogether very annoying, almost as if I can never escape a past I have no hand in creating. Yes, laugh, I will never return to the church. It is not the whisperings of a christian god beckoning me back to the fold because GOD speaks through many voices and if I see the hand of a god, then so be it.

There is no such thing as a monolithic god. It is naught but a product of social pressures fomented within the stews of mankind over the millenium.

But I digress. I cried because a secret part of me envies those children. You see, when I was young (and even now), I always harboured a secret wish that I would turn around and see that the doorway behind me led not to the common world but to somewhere else. Ah yes, an arc of light, a shadow elongating, and poof, I'm gone. Even now when the cynicism of blased youth and reality ought have removed this little spark of hope, I still hold onto it. Perhaps the only way through to that other world is death, but then, the last book of Narnia did make me grieve for Susan. Oh well, oh, and the Susan in the movie was very pretty, I don't care if nobody else agrees.

But let's speak of today. My shoulder hurts as usual, acupuncture it appears, holds not the final say when it comes to mysterious aches and pains. But I will savour it as I savour every bit of pain. There is something about the idea of masochism that is misleading. A masochist does not take pleasure in every sort of pain. No, brutality may hold its special pleasure but pure, unrelenting pain is not what makes a masochist cry in red-tinged pleasure. It is the mind behind the pain. You see, play with a masochist goes beyond the touch of flesh because the mind is involved too. More so if love is involved. I assure you, the taste of anguish, shame and adoration mingled together tastes much better than the sweetness of fulfilled love.

Nevermind.

You whom I have known, attend to me. I cry out of despair, not because I feel that my life is hopeless. But because the act of despair gratifies me. Yes, witness the pettiness of my soul. It is a brilliant spark against the swell of your blood. Hear me.

Hear me.

I love you. How strong, those words. How many times have they been used in vain, in spite and treachery? I know not. Yet I would say once more, I love you. The invocation marks the speaker, names him, remembers. I may never have seen you but you hear me in your daily grind, in your prayers. You hear me because the manacles were sealed upon my birth, because the enchainment began long before you knew. You hear me because one day when I finally see you, all will be understood.

Avant le fin, cherchez-moi.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll sits still.

Somehow, I fail to see the humour in waking up incapitated by a misaligned ligament. Oui, I woke up in the morning not being able to move at all because the left side of my shoulder froze up.

Oh and then I had my first acupuncture today. Every time a needle pricked my skin, it sent shivers down my spine. Is it suppose to do that? I wouldn't mind doing it again if that's how it feels like.

Anyway, that's all. Coherence is lost in the midst of pain.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll loves roast beef!

So I have the best friends in the entire world. They may not be the coolest, or the hippest or even the most glam, but they're the best I've ever known and after what's happened this year, I know I now treasure them a whole lot more.

Haha, yesterday was like major bedlam because my papa was preparing everything from scratch! This includes:

Roast turkey stuffed with apricot and rice stuffing

Roast beef seasoned with Christmas spices

Potato salad with celery and yoghurt dressing

Boiled vegetables, yucks, no asparagus

Mushroom soup

Sandwiches

Assorted sweets and toffees.

Not to forget Xuan's pumpkin pie!! Delicious. Absolutely delicious!! Oh and my papa's mushroom soup? Made from pureed mushrooms and chicken stock. How great can he get? Haha, I looove dinners at home when he's cooking.

Anyway, I am happy to mention that not counting Cecilia, everyone turned up. Aw man, how I wish she could have made it instead of just passing presents to us. It would have been so much fun with her! Never mind, let's go out soon!

Oh so we ate and we ate and Joshua tried to steal my phone. Xuan was reading comics and being her usual funny self. Tze Hock refuses to speak Jap. Ying, was Ying. :P Daniel ATE ALOT!! And Geri's very nice and pleasant. I'm sure my friends got a good impression of RJ. Oh and Daniel, you're not going to impress the teachers with that look. Haha, they'll like not allow you to go toilet because they'll think you're smoking. M**!

Then we played this really scary game that's like heart attack and my sis lost. Awww :(, but oh well, the rest of us were quite nervous most of the time. Haha, it is a fun game, if only a bit too looooong. Xuan, you learn the weirdest games. I was surprised that my beloved rafflesian pals :P actually know dadi! And the more surprising, one of them (shan't reveal who) doesn't know bridge! OMG...!

Oh so Daniel and Geri left before countdown because Geri had to go to a mass. Never mind, don't ask me to go to church. I don't mind going to a mass just to see how it's like or even a synagogue if they'll allow me in but no more church.

Later all of us went to my room where we finally watched Advent's Children and I finally finished it! Yay! The graphics were damn cool and Joshua thinks every guy in there is gay except for Barett and Rude but oh well, that's Japanese animation for you.

It was fun and we've got to meet again! Thanks for everything people!

Yes, I haven't forgotten. One of us couldn't make it because she is no longer with us. Nonetheless, I miss you alot. I wish you were here to see us, to laugh with us and to share in our gifts and joy. We haven't forgotten you Hew Ting and I wish you a Merry Christmas whereever you are. I felt you in the kitchen yesterday when I was there for a cup of water. It's never too long to remember a friend, especially a great friend like you. Merry Christmas Hew Ting. Memories are truly hard to die.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll speaks again.

On the Virtue of Arrogance

There is a common prejudice against the vice of pride, indeed, this is further extended into snobisme and arrogance, a sentiment of the masses that is most unwarranted. Indeed, I believe that not only does arrogance add a certain charm to an erstwhile amusing society, insouciant arrogance would, played against that other evil of inverse-arrogance, be as virtue is when measured with vice.

The nature of arrogance is that one is aware of a certain, quality inherent in one's impeccable nature that by its very virtue, must weigh upon the person versed in his exalted birthright such that it becomes an utmost duty to dispense with it upon an impoverished public. This is not to say that impoverish must by regard, only refer to the poor for that is vulgar. No, here we speak of the materially unenlightened, the spiritually starved, the people devoid of light.

Yes, bring forth arrogance I say for it is a beautiful attribute when found in those that carries it with the lightness of gaiety. The strict adherence to etiquette I should add, is not arrogance. It is merely good sense and ought to be found in each and every person. Arrogance is beautiful in that the person need be completely ignorant of his pride. Lucifer fell for pride but ah, what a beauty he was to behold even as he was cast into hell. Oh for shame, how the descent must have scarred his face if not marr the perfection of his pride.

We shall of course, speak now of the other arrogance which in all due candour, quite upsets me. It is the arrogance of the ugly, the destiture, the declasse who would shun those who shuns them and declaim it to the world. This is of course, far worse, when found in persons of otherwise high stature who masquerading modesty and humility, act in hypocrisy as they ingratiate themselves with those that must not be tolerated.

Yes, to display knowledge fair content of what you have is one thing, but to sneer at the society who would otherwise receive you in preference for the huddled commons is nothing but an act of disgrace.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll shuts down and goes to sleep.

Oubliez-ca, je lui renounce. C'est trop beaucoup pour moi et justement, je ne peux pas en faire. Pas du tout.

Something flashed through my mind while I was reading a certain piece from a certain book. I make a balancing act out of every relationship I have with another fellow being that might actually care for me.

Drama A for the day. Enough.

That said, my eyes are now bulging because of the immense pain caused by horrible sleeping patterns and a masochistic need to inflict emotional as well as physical pain on myself. Yes, let it be known that Sean is a genuine masochist, as if tout le monde doesn't already know. I resent being overpowered as much as I relish it and let's not even get onto the issue of pain.

On to the next issue at hand, an inexplicable numbness that has come over me. This is perchance a shadow of this dreadful cold that has impugned upon my hospitality but heck, who cares if little Sean gets sick?

The truth is, I miss you. I dream of you all the time even if you no longer see, feel or hear me. I miss you so much I cannot frankly see why you had to go.

So the petit rien speaks again. Allow me the occasional display of morose, of melancholia and melodrome. I am after all, a youth afflicted by the malady of youth. It does not become a youth to immerse in the Dark Other of joie but then again, a youth would be almost intolerable if perpetual happiness and effervescence were the only things a youth was capable of.

No, I don't wish to die. Never did, never will. Don't bind me. Not here, not now. My soul will live forever within the carapace of GOD. No soul is so beautiful as the soul of the Manifested GOD.

Christmas descends upon us. I would cheer except my skin is a pale sheen of gray.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll LOVES chocolates!

I shall now attempt to recount my day (Saturday) in french because this is the only time I can use my french.

Hier journee, ma lecon francaise etait tres interresant parce que les parents de mon prof ont venu de notre classe! Oui, j'etait tard, comme d'habitude. Je sais, je m'enerve aussi. J'ai besoin de temps, beaucoup de temps. On n'a jamais assez de temps.

Alors, nous parlions en francais (ouai, ils parlaient francais et nous essayions se comprendre). Les parents du Manu sont tres super! Ils etait plus jeune que ce dont nous avons penses. Sa mere etait drole et ses parents, les deux, ils sont un peu 'gila' comme Manu.

Oh, j'ai oublie. June, qui etait trop genereuse, a donne tout un petit cadeau. Elle m'a donne un petit eau de toilette et je l'adore! Haha, bonne choix, justement. Et puis, elle avait du chocolat avec de la champagne et du chips chocolat. Ce etaient tres specials et plus, il etaient tres bonne-marche aussi!

Ah, oui, et ca, c'est fini. Une grande lecon encore.

Pardon my french, those of you who can read french. It's not the best I know but if I don't try, I never will. Besides, spoken french is easier since we omit so many sounds and speak so quickly it hardly matters.

Anyway, thereafter, there was a wedding dinner at the Holiday Inn and I narrowly missed Geri! Haha, she went to Malaysia. Aww.

Well, nothing much today other than the fact that I ate too much.

Crap, I've gained 4 kg over four months. I hope to death it's not fat because I swear I haven't gained any fat. Well, it doesn't look like it in any case.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll was locked up in the vault.

Oh man, today was like, so cool! I had a job shadowing day with Daniel and Geri where Xiao Jun couldn't come. Yeah, anyway, I arrived there earlier than usual because my ipod died on me again and I was too distraught.

Using a silly little map instead of relying on Sean's superior sense of direction. Well, who else can lead you to any direction taking a route twice as long while all the while not looking lost.

Awe. Wow, it was quite scary at first because it was my first time at the corporate headquaters of CITIBANK! Yes, haha, it was really cool and they had really nice furnishing and all. We were given a quick lesson on basic banking and the various functions of a corporate bank. This lasted for an hour where we then found a couple of rj seniors. It was quite fun and the things we learnt certainly plugged in some gaps in my knowledge.

Geri and I went to lunch with two people and their clients. It was quite an informal affair but we were taken to the Scarlet Hotel which was rather quaint. Haha, you have to go have a look at it. The food there was quite good, I didn't think it was exceptional but it was good for lunch. Haha, of course, how can my lowly palate compare with those of seasoned masters? Truly, I was being soundly humbled by a corporate world so beyond mine.

Thank goodness my table manners are impeccable. Haha, so we had a free lunch after all! Oh and Daniel went out with another bunch of people and after lunch, we met again where we had a talk with one of the people from Citibank's MA programme. It was quite informative and if there's one thing I learnt, it's that accounting is quite important. Banking is not for me then.

Later on we met another couple of guys who were going through a company analysis and we could sit in and listen to them. This was followed by a cool lecture on the functions of the Treasury which will no doubt allow for application in the novel I'm writing. I thought commodities trading was really cool. Oh and afterwards, we went to the Treasury to take a look at how those people were trading stuff. Those computers!! Oh man, they have a system that i'd die for because it conjures up all recent news regarding a certain commodity.

Ok, and finally, I have come to the conclusion that bankers are not boring stuffy people although some of them can look downright stern and stoic. I thought that was quite intimidating, especially the way when my name was called. Eich, made my skin crawl but nah, I was fine. Haha, yeah, coolest bankers ever. Almost made me feel like ditching fashion for a respectable career in commodities trading.

The only thing that I came of having a not so good impression was that people seem to assume that if you're into fashion design and artsy stuff, then you probably don't like to handle weighty stuff like politics and money and business. Such a strange suggestion, I would die if I didn't have a political comment or an opinion on public policy. Yes, I'm not a slave of fashion.

Oh and then the three of us went to Wheelock to get my ipod mini fixed. I'm getting it back 5 days later. *sigh* Haha, Daniel and Geri are nice people. Daniel is damn funny sometimes. Later went for dinner at NYDC after getting gifts for 11 of Geri's cousins. Ate too much pizza, Daniel ate all leftovers as usual. As usual, nobody accepts NETS. Dammit, I should be given a credit card then.

So I left them to themselves afterwards and came back home myself. Overall, it was a great day and every bit of it was real nice. Haha, if only every day in my holidays were just as fruitful and nice.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll speaks, encore.

The recent racial riots in Australia is deplorable, disgusting and it risks alienating support for its cause in aiding the world anti-terrorism act because it is being turned into a racial issue by the untutored demogogue.

This is why we should watch out for the coming generation and why we must prevent the same thing from happening in Singapore. A whole generation of wastrels, bent of wasting their lives away behind low-end service counters and part-time jobs, of uncivilized morals and values falsly typified as liberal and ultimately, an utter waste of state resources. THIS is why we don't have a welfare system, why we impose age sanctions so closely and why we tax demerit goods so severely. State intervention can be argued for in this case especially if the long term consequences of not having state intervention is a this farce called the youths of Australia. Small wonder Asians practically rule their universities.

When I spoke of action that Singapore must take, I do not mean war. There are more ways to build a great power than war. Most of Chinese territory won since the Tang Dynasty was not won by war, Russia did not expand solely by war and the United States has been a prime example of how an informal empire can be just as potent as a full-fledged one when waged with economics and military deterrence.

Firstly, I sincerely believe in the ASEAN polity. I believe it to be a great foundation for a region that can only make its mark upon the world as a whole. This is in part due to our proximity to the great Pacific powers of America and Japan, as well as our proximity to China and India.

South-East Asia bore suzerainty under China for most of pre-history with Vietnam fighting a nine hundred year struggle with Southern China, Yunnan being the greatest example. The states of South-East Asia then fell to the barbaric forces of the West. We were ravaged by a Great Depression that we would have had no part it were it not for the fact that we were fused to a world economy so inimical to our survival in no small part due to colonialism. Then we were torn apart by the Japanese, contributing to the rise of militant governments in South-East Asia that still cripple us today. The West tried to re-establish her hold over us once more, witness the war in Vietnam. Western ideology inundated us, replacing another that was given to us by China. Just a decade ago, it was the West once more who brought us down with the financial crisis.

I am not shifting the blame in its totality to the West or to any other nation. It is past the time for that. History is history. What must be illuminated is that for so long, we have always been at the mercy of forces beyond our control and this is because South-East Asia has always been more centrifugal in nature than anything else. We are so prone to splitting up into a myriad of kingdoms, fiefdoms and states. It is unacceptable and fatal to us as proven by history. We have so much potential but we have performed so disappointingly. Look at the East Indies, Burma, the Philippines For god's sake, the Philippines are still named after a Spanish monarch! What happened to all that promise that made South-East Asia so fertile for change and growth? It is still there but it is dying.

We need a common integral unit. We were defeated because we were not united, we were defeated because we have always held onto a system that could not thrive in modernity. We have not changed much after all these years.

We need a common defence policy. A shared nuclear arrangement, even if this means collaboration with another country. We need to establish a common market for goods and services. We need to establish a network of communication and bureaucracy so that all people of South-East Asia may be consolidated into one unit. Yes, I am speaking of South-East Asia as a unit in the same way Europe is a unit. Except we need to go beyond that.

This is difficult. Very difficult. It will take time. Alot of time. But it must happen. There is no other way out of this for South-East Asia. I am not saying that this will be essentially good for Singapore. Enough nations within our region deign to treat with us only because we have poured our energy into such diplomatic efforts and because we have striven to entrench the concept of collective security amongst the nations of South-East Asia.

Singapore can take the lead in benign leadership. We have so much to give and so much to learn from our fellow brothers. We are the last-born children of South-East Asia and it is time we contribute back to this region. Why should Singapore not take a greater role in the affairs of South-East Asia? Why should we not aid our neighbours and kin in their road towards progress? We have the capacity, we have the savoir-faire, we have the experience and the stability. All it takes is a citizenry who can look beyond its borders, beyond the inanity of our daily grind.

No, I am not advocating neo-colonialism or even war. You misunderstand me if you do not see that I mean an integrated South-East Asia where each country has a say, each country becomes a specialized component of a greater whole while at its heart is Singapore whose benign tutelage will, together with the esteemed leaders of our cherished neighbours, help shape the region into a true great power.

The century of the Pacific will truly have arrived when South-East Asia takes on this unique and important identity. Until then, we are merely waiting for our next imperial master and a promise will have been unfulfilled. The Singaporean Promise would have been unfulfilled.

Blank Doll speaks.

This needs to be said. I don't care if I'm going against all the activists because I don't agree with them anyway, freedom of speech? Sheesh.

Singapore is a great nation today. We are the City that rose from the debris of British colonial rule, the City that transcended her lowly origins to become a true jewel in South East Asia. We have a buoyant economy, too much capital, a politically stable government and a maturing social outlook.

It is decadent, excessive and deplorable to waste our assets away by allowing dissent and allowance to social indulgence as well as the inanities of pleasuring the individual to squander away what we have today.

I look at the average Singaporean youth on the street and all I hear from them is the same old slogan which I am sure they do not understand fully. Support liberalisation, freedom of speech, learn to say no to the PAP. Do they truly understand what they are asking for? Would these self-declared proponents of individualism and liberty allow gay marriages in Singapore?

You chase after the latest fashions, immerse yourself in pop culture, look ever West for an identity, spend your money and youth on materialism and all the while, you remain blind to the potential and the opportunities of the present. Truly the youth of today are too politically apathetic, too irresponsible for civil participation and too weak.

If we are to prosper in the future, to bring Singapore to greater heights, the youth of today must understand that we need to support Singapore. It is not enough to wish for better social services, to wish that the government would loosen up. Do these things bring about a greater nation? A stronger military? A more powerful economy? Do these things exalt Singapore to the ranks of great powerhood?

No.

The great welfare systems of the West were built upon the backs of our ancestors. Yes, the assured welfare of the citizens of the West was built upon the sweat, the blood and the tears of us- Asians. Without colonialism, the West would never have had the resources to advance themselves to their states today.

We must never underestimate the West, after all, they manage to grasp their opportunity three hundred years before and achieved the impossible- to reverse the relationship between the East and the West such that for once, they became the masters. Nonetheless, they are weakening.

Yes, the West is weakening. Look at the weary states of Europe, consumed by exhaustion and the poison of faded glory before the great empire of the United States, compelled by an aging generation into the slumber of decline and unable to fight back Islamism with their tired, reduced ideology and beliefs. The only Western power still strong enough is America. We can and must, never disregard that one superpower because its decline has not come no matter what is said or done. It will take at least another half a century or so before we witness the gradual stagnation of America and until then, its vigor and clout is absolute.

But China is ascendant as well as India. The road ahead is fraught with potential pitfalls. China might still collapse, consumed by internal dissent or even a revival of ideology. India might be nothing more than a stillborn, brought down by the lack of infrastructure or resources to facilitate its renaissance. Nevertheless, we have the chance now.

The West caught the East at its moment of weakness for by some twist of fate, they became strong at a moment when the East experienced its cyclical low and so for once, we could not resist this erstwhile inferior civilization. But now, we must rise again.

Where does Singapore stand then? We stand at the heart of South-East Asia. To think such thoughts is dangerous but if we do not, then we risk becoming mere onlookers in the game of international politics and power.

Shit, I need food. Shall continue later.

Blank Doll did something!

7th of December 2005

Woke up at 7 30 today so we could prepare to watch the Snow Queen on time.

I shall not describe the production because such descriptions seldom do justice to the things they attemot to describe. I hated the costumes though and I hate myself for not having acquired better seats.

Now the highlight of the day, I went to get my hair done. Thinking it'd be the usual, teeth-gnashing, I-hate-my-hair affair, I was proven wrong. Daddy finally got sick of it and my hair finally got long enough for us to attempt a little straightening and iron-pulling. Suffice to say, for the first time in 17 years, my hair is now straight. It is disconcerting how different I look now. Haha, I could get used to this.

Stranger still, mother didn't scream half to death. In fact, she agreed to paying for eye surgery! How strange! Haha, I merely mentioned that I wonder how I'd look in double eyelids and she said, fine, go try. I shall certainly take her offer after NS.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll recaps.

6th December 2005

Xuan and I spent a really great day together. Haha, so it was filled with alot of running around without knowing where we actually wanted to go but heck, it was fun while it lasted!

Met her at Raffles Place because I thought the DBS Arts Centre was there. I was supposed to redeem and then purchase some tickets for the Snow Queen and for some strange reason, I fancied the DBS Arts Centre to be at Raffles Place. Well, we did manage to find OCBC, UOB, OUB and even Citibank but no DBS. After a lot of retracking and winding around Raffles Place (lunch hour!!), we were extremely hungry and frustrated too. It's a good thing Xuan took it in good cheer because otherwise, I'd have been really pissed off.

She called her dad, I called Tong and Alps. No use. So I decided to use the cherished Rafflesian trick, call cab. It is a good thing we didn't attempt to walk to the place because it was rather far away. Upon arriving at the DBS Arts Centre which incidentally, is flanked by quite a number of excellent restaurants and also un petit patisserie et chocolatier, we went a-sought for the door of the centre. It is perhaps with a sense of malhumour that we chanced upon a well-meaning lady who gave us really precise, but also really wrong directions.

Yes, by a queer strike of planning, the DBS Arts Centre Office is situated next to the washroom, within the corridor leading to the washroom. If this doesn't strike you as strange then you clearly do not get out often. Opening the door, we were told to proceed downstairs where the BOX OFFICE was. Ah, everything started to make sense.

So we went downstairs and the Italian-speaking man at the restaurant probably sighted us for the fifth time. I have taken the liberty of not noting the internecine confusion that took place. At last, we stumbled into the Repetory Theatre where I purchased my tickets and Xuan allowed herself the little happiness that one gets from taking really cute zo cards.

Cabbing down to Esplanade, really, cabbing can be addictive as well as, well, dirty. Think of all that good, wholesome walking one forsakes! For shame! But I digress. Thereafter, Xuan bought a few sheaths of paper from Papier where I learnt with much delight though probably little surprise that she's really turning her anime into publication and that there may be a chance that I could pop into Papier and partake of a craft lesson held by her. Such talented, benign and gifted friends I have. Haha, ok, pardon that.

I bought a roll of string because my sister's genius of an origami christmas tree needed some. Really, come to my place on Christmas Eve for the tree as much as for my dad's food and my mother's hospitality. Anyway, we then went to look at the Skagen watch that I absolutely must have, to which she replied that it looked rather odd, with the black face and titanium chain. Ah well, I have my own dictum of taste and none shall gainsay it as far as I am concerned. Passing by Papier once more, the really nice person ran out to pass me my change. The wonders of good service, really, youths should not endeavour to work in the service industry unless they can render such impeccable service with the gravity of sincerity.

On to Citylink where I bought some stuff from L'Occitane for mes parents. Suffice to say, it cost me quite a sum. The love one feels from such charity is a love cursed by folly I tell you. Xuan and I then proceeded to Raffles City where we sat down to pizza and drinks. Haha, the Pizze Place is nice enough. Any place that can serve me a plain cheese pizza is nice enough. Therein concluded a brief conversation on the rationale behind using utensils to partake of pizza. Enough said.

Then on to my mother's office. It was an errand. Ca suffit. Then we went for ice cream! I bought a black sesame and Xuan had a green tea. They were delicious although Xuan's was a little droopy from being scalded by a too-hot scoop.

Next stop, Taka. I bought something from Kino for ma petite soeur and Xuan bought comics for herself. Haha, and I swear I shall soon buy un roman francais and muddle my way through it. Je promis! In any case, having purchased what we wanted from Kino, we left amidst conversation about the genteel propriety of les dames japonaise d'un age certain. Xuan treated me to lemonade. Such generosity. Really, I find the little amicabilities of solid friendship especially touching.

Tangs then. I bought a certain pen for my dear father while Xuan bought certain things for her sister. We had a lot of fun choosing stuff and ogling at the Vertu collection. For those of you who cannot comprehend the virtues of a Vertu phone, I say shame on you. Oh and Xuan learnt a new thing! French cuffs! Haha, tis handy, to have a walking dictionary of clothes.

All in all, a really great shopping trip where I spent probably half a thousand on four people. I shall languish in poverty for the next month or so. Oh and to end it, Xuan and I took the bus home where we had the greatest conversation. Truly, when a Rafflesian meets a HCJC student, things of happen.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll is, well, Blank Doll.

"You presume too much."

He stared at her, face blanched to ashen gray. Something shifted within the silverine recesses of his pupils, a dark rage blossomed as the words cut through the air like a leaden cord across ice.

"Why?" He asked through gritted teeth, spitting the word out. "Why will you whore yourself to them time after time yet me! Me, you refuse even the slightest touch."

She stared back, looking down upon him for she had risen, the high back of the chair was all that stood between them. She was beautiful then even if her skin had turned to white. The woman's eyes shone like blood spilled upon obsidian, the candlelight reflected upon her pupils betraying her calmness for in her eyes too dwelt the beginnings of a storm. It would not do to match their gazes for a moment more and the woman turned away, her unclothed back facing him.

She heard the stifled gasp and the muttered curse, had it been anyone else, she would have laughed. Here, it only hardened her convictions. The man was sick with desire for her, poisoned by the toxic-slickness of lust and all this, she could discern.

How could he not feel thus? The woman was brilliant in her anger. Her auburn hair like a burning pyre frozen in time, the tendrils of crimson fire caught and bound with nothing more than a gilt fillet and an ivory pin. She could feel his eyes upon her nape now, where ribbons curling from her bodice rose and wound once, twice, thrice across her neck before being bound into a bow at the side of her neck. It would be exquisite to wrench it from her throat, to hear the breath come ragged to her when he wrapped his hands around that elongated neck with skin the colour of fresh cream even as the ribbons fell away, trailing at her arms.

"Because, my dear sir, you love me whereas they, do not."

He swallowed, hands trembling even as he smiled at the cruel irony of it all. Oh the woman! How she let herself fall upon her knees night after night for those scums yet deny the one person who would fall upon his knees in careful worship. No, it was just like the woman to let those who would raze the garden trespass and then name the loving guardian trespasser.

She could feel his gaze lower now, inch by torturous inch as he consumed the bared flesh of her back, down to the delicate curve above her buttocks. It made his knees weak, just thinking about pressing the flat of his palm against that expanse of unstained flesh. Truly, it would make up for alot, to see the mark of his palm branded upon the new ivory skin of her back.

She turned around, bearing no longer his unrequited gaze. The swish of silk was nigh audible in the silence that ensued. She could feel the silk moving like water across her hips, the silk splayed across the entire length of her leg even if it left her back entirely bare.

"You trust me don't you? Break that trust, and I am yours."

He shuddered inwardly at her voice. Whiskey could burnish no more another's voice as hers for it was deep yet rich and it struck more than a single chord within the man's body.

"What do I have to do," he whispered. "What must I do before you will play the whore for me?"

She smiled then, though in it was no mirth to be found. Her lips pursed together, those lips thick and well-formed with the valley at its centre defined with nothing more than a touch of carmine to deepen its colour.

"It would depend on your measure of my worth, sir. In gold, or in kind."

His eyes widened, the sharp intake of breath she heard though was it out of pain, hurt or something else, she could not discern. It hurt her inside then, though she did not show it. He might have loved her before, but now, it was a love bound with hurt and she knew, it would not take long before despite set in.

So be it, she thought even as her eyes lay unflinchly upon his, so be it.

"Fifteen thousand, wired to you in the morning," he rasped.

"Done."

He rose, quicker than she had expected and by virtue of his strength for he was young and well made, struck her onto the ground.

"My lady," he whispered even as he tore the bow at her neck away, his lips pressed hard against the flesh it bared, "you will deny me no longer."

She closed her eyes and nodded. It was done. Him, she had broken. Only this time, she felt herself break too.

It was done.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll spins a mean web.

So, one has been named. This promises to be interesting.

On a lighter note, today has been a most tiresome day. A certain dress I drew today so inspired me that I shall write a short scene d'amour for it. Oh and Mother has decided to purchase tickets for the Snow Queen so yay!

Later.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll ate worms!

Well spent day indeed. Alps and I were late again much to Tong's annoyance. You see, both of us try very hard to be earlier than the other but because we both know the other will always be late, we might as well turn up slightly late. Only slightly. Of course, Tong is smart enough to just stay at home and not meet us at the mrt station.

I swear to you, Alps is a genius in the supermarket. I have never seen anything funnier in a supermarket. She wanted to make sushi and I wanted to make chocolate croissant pudding. We bought quite a bit of things before she went to get Ya Kun roti which she incidentally, did not share with me but people like me don't take notice of such little things. I also forgot to carry the groceries for her and for that I do apologize, such tardiness is oft unseemly.

Reached Tong's place, walked around the estate once before Alps realized I'd been walking in circles. I have no idea why people always trust me for directions but directions I give. It is rare indeed for me not to take people to our destination, albeit by a far longer road than would have been necessary.

So we did reach his house after all. Tong didn't seem very sober although he claimed he was. I tell you, that guy needs to sleep more. He's been having too much fun. A little quiet living would do him good but these are words of a person who is too proper. Thereafter, we proceeded to wreck his kitchen because we couldn't find any of the ingredients we needed and all of the ingredients Alps and I had bought in anticipation of their absence. Oh and I found a bottle of preserves past its shelf life by three years. He needs to clean out his fridge.

Oh and he doesn't own an oven! Sucker. I had to alter the recipe but it tasted good I thought. Alps took waaay too long making sushi and I added too much water to the rice because it was Californian short grain and not the usual long grain. I also added too much vinegar to the rice but it tasted good to me. This lasted approximately half an hour before we realized that there were WEEVILS in the rice. Alps, you have alot to explain.

So we just gave up and dumped everything into a bowl, mixed it up and served it with black pepper sauce.

Did I mention that we fried oreos and mars bars? Delicious. Tong also turned the oil black by burning two mars bar but oh well, I'll bet you they've never stepped into the kitchen for long before.

Oh and we watched a History of Violence. Well, they did. I just ran away and came back to catch intermittent bits of it because it was well, too violent for my taste. I firmly believe in using somebody's hand to kill but oh god, the frisson behind the violence was quite charming. Never mind. Don't ask.

Watched a bit of TV, Alps watched her first ever episode of Who's line is it? and yes, the RUN AWAY FROM DANGER MAN! Haha. That was daaamn funny.

So now they're flying off to New York. I'll miss you guys. Come back soon ok? I had fun today even if we mostly stoned. Next time round, we'll go do something more interesting. I really want to go to Settler's Cafe or the other one that Tong mentioned. Ditto the jazz bar and ditto Booth's wine shop. Haha, cheers to our friendship.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll likes paper.

Whee, first day of fun and I'm going to spend it with Tong and Alps. Haha, we're going to BAKE! I cannot believe it. We're like, three people who go around eating and I'm quite sure none of us has ever needed to lift a finger in making our own food. Oh well, let's see what happens then.

I am desperately broke. Well, NOT broke. Never that. My finances are impeccable though I do wish I could get more pocket money even if my dad will scream if he saw this. Shit, you know what I need? I need a patron. Somebody I can amuse, write things for, have dinner with and please so that in return, the patron grants me gifts. No there's nothing shameful about having a patron, all youths should have a patron so that we are guided to maturity by a hand other than the leaden one of the family. Haha, everyone who even knows me marginally well knows I need a patron anyway.

So here's my list of things I want!

A Skaagen autumn/winter collection nickel free titanium chain with bullet proof glass. It has got the coolest minute chainmail strap and the face is black, wide and simple. I love it. The only problem is it costs a bit more money that I'm willing to part with for a watch.

A pair of Converse leather shoes with brass eyelets which I have yet to purchase because I'm waiting for somebody to spend some money on me.

The G5 ipod 60 gig, black. Yes, dammit. Give it to me.

A pair of black suede penny loafers. The sort of shit I love.

Two pairs of contacts. One tinted with gray or red.

A G5 powerbook! Ok, this is definitely something I could only get with a patron because my dad will clobber me to death with my ibook before buying it for me seeing as I only got my ibook five months before.

And of course, a tailored smoking suit in black velvet and satin lining. Hey, it's an investment! The really beautiful raw silk waistcoat to match would be nice. :D

So there, my list of things that I want. And these are just the things I can afford with my pocket money and savings if I'm really good at handling it and don't mind breaking the bank. I could buy any one of them but heck, I want ALL of them. You should really see my list of things I WANT when I have a patron to give me freely.

Yes, despise me if you will. I surrender to the material with only a whimper begging for more.

Oh and I'd take a job if I didn't have to wrestle with my A levels. I'm not going to get that Paris holiday my mother promised me if I fail to get straight As and two Dists for Ss. I swear this time, I will not fall.

Then again, it doesn't matter. :P

C'est tout.

Blank Doll will not deign to spit at you.

I will begin this without seeking to hurt, without asking to sting nor wound. I write this not in malice, but in dire need of defending myself against that which should no longer matter yet still does. It is a thing of little consequence, but it is a thing I will have named and spoken.

If ever the hand of my amitie was extended, it was held out with abandon to you. Nothing can marr the memory I still keep, locked and pinned away with regret and the shaking of my head. It was a beautiful time, it was, when you took my hand and we savoured the blooming of our youth together. How we crossed that threshold together I will not forget.

In a way, we needed one another than. You were nothing, as I was but I was the nothing that was vilifed. A stigma lain upon me. You were the nothing that nobody saw. A strange alliance, always a queer thing. How we grew. Our secrets, the language only we spoke to the exclusion of others. I treated you as an equal. If sometimes you thought to slap my hand away, I never held it to my bosom like a cherished weal. Yet I felt it.

You think I locked you away in my little web of whispers, the meticulous world I created where my introversion became ours. Where every step I took diminished your light, every way I moved extended my shadow over your face until nobody saw yours save as the halo that gilded my self. Well, I will tell you now that you did not suffer alone. You pressed me to death with the tyranny of your inferiority, forced me to be contented in a place I could only have been happy because I had only known the mediocrity of my given place.

So now we are changed. I have risen, there can be no other way of describing what I am now. It is a different matter altogether now is it not? All along I had to hide the breadth of my knowledge, the illumination of my pen from you. We can only be what we are. I look at you and god, I despair.

We are so different now. Even the way we speak, the way we act, the places we go and the people we are with. Who was acting in absence of forebearance and maturity when the things were done and said?

And now, my defence. Language is a singular skill which I hold. I could count the number of people my age who equals me in the measure of my skill, one perhaps who exceeds it. You will not dare gainsay it because you know it. How dim your mastery is when placed next to mine. This vitrolic is evidence enough.

What you saw fit to call arrogance angers me. This is because never has it extended to you. I loved you and cherished you as a friend, my pride does not sting those whom I love. Friendships I pick, nurture and cherish in hand. I have no time for hypocrisy, for acquaintances. You named my nature arrogance, I call you inferior.

So now I have said what I have always meant to say. Yes, I am jealous. Yes, I am hurt. I cannot pretend otherwise. I will not fancy this malady gone from my heart because therein was a place only you could claim. Now, there is only a sort of sorrow because I fail to see why we have allowed matters to reach such an end. If I claimed your friendship once more, it would be claimed in vain. Yet, the things we have gone through. They are countless.

Nothing I say will move your heart, nothing I do will make you change your mind. Since you have set yourself so, then let it be as such. We can only be what we are. Understand that when I rise finally to the vantage of my fate, I shall look done and see you. I will offer you a smile and a prayer then.

Time was meant to heal, yet I fear Time drove us quite athwart. In the end, we can only be what we are.

You are free now as I am. It is done.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll is baaack!

Hey there! I'm back and I need to post about four things. I need to post something about my travels, a vitrolic in honour of someone, a post about love and a little thing I wrote.

Firstly, let's talk about my trip! Generally, I got the impression that Australian teenagers are in general, quite, well, stupid. Well, not stupid, just not impressive. Sure, they're all ripped and long legged and well chested, both girls and guys but as a whole, not a good impression at all.

You see, I got to Aussieland during the Schoolie's Week when all the youths of Queensland descend upon Gold Coast where they revel in booze, drugs, racuous behaviour and of course, sex. 86 schoolies were arrested in that week alone. Looking at Gold Coast, I was really put off because they practically took over the beaches and made it really uncomfortable. All I can say is Gold Coast is a place lacking in sophistication and the only good thing I can say about it is that it makes no pretence of being a metropolitan city.

I did love the countryside though.

We spent the first three days at a farmstead in Blackbutt. Our host was Julie-Anna and Tim McWilliams and they were splendid. I love that house. It was absolutely beautiful. Really, the air was so fresh and cool. I felt so at peace. Oh did I mention that the food was superb too? There was a British boader by the name of Charlie who did wonders with vegetables. You can bet that I ate all my vegetables there. Nonetheless, it was Julie-Anna who really shone because she struck me as a really strong character and very interesting too.

Oh and the shopping was quite good. It's not the place to buy really cheap stuff and be happy about it. I'm hardly the sort of person to go for such unseemingly thrills. But there are some stuff which bears buying. Lots of foodstuffs certainly. Candles. Gifts for everyone. Special gifts for some. Oh and I bought three books.

Yes, the usual. High fantasy, politics, bloodshed and sex. Sadomasochism, incest, bisexuality. All in a book!

Ok, that's all. You know, people say that you'll see the shortcomings of Singapore when you got to Western countries. When I returned from Aussieland, I could only gaze upon the marvel that is Singapore and wonder why anyone would think of Singapore as anything else but the jewel of South-East Asia and certainly one of the shining lights of the world. More on that later.

C'est tout.