Blank Doll laughs at you.

Yesterday was a great day. Daddy took us out to eat at the French Stall and we had some nice food there. I ordered escargot as usual because I love them especially when they're baked with olive oil and garlic. I had the roast duck with orange sauce and risotto and afterwards, there were three desserts: honey cheesecake, tiramisu and chocolate souffle. I'm a sucker for souffles, anyone can tell you that.

Then Daddy took us to like really cool places which I've never seen by the light of the evening. There was Little India in all its colours unfurled, people talking in the middle of the street unaware of incoming cars, people queueing up at the ATM machine as well as the cyber cafe, there was the vegetable market that went to the edge of the street, there were shops hawking old computers and washing machines as well as the requisite eating shops full of people. I thought the hiker's hotels were quite cool, the white tourists must feel so gratified by this display of the exotic because they know that civilized comfort as they know it is but a stone's throw away at the Intercontinental. I even saw spice shops! Like, how 60s is that?

Next was Arab Street which was quiet as compared to Little India but the atmosphere was really cool too. Little shops selling hashish, the thinnest street in Singapore, rows and rows of clothmongers and just people sprawling out onto the pavement in wicker chairs and the warm lights from the Turkish and Middle Eastern eating shops. All in all, I've discovered a side of Singapore that only confirms my point of view: Singapore is beautiful and worthy of tourists. I may have seen the goldsmith district of Florence in full festival mode, the Rue George V of Paris with its beautiful cafes and the LV store, Rome and it's archaic splender (the Forum and olive trees!), Venice with its St. Mark's square and thralling squalor, the Vatican's Basilica, the forests of Bavaria, the mountains of German-speaking Switzerland, the fields of Austria, King's Cross at London and much more but I tell you, Singapore has its charm too. We are after all, the last sleeping post of colonialism and really, I think we look much prettier than Hong Kong and Macau.

Anyway, today was a nice day too. It was embarrassing too because for some strange reason I do not recall saying that on Saturday night. Haha, yes, I do love Candice for having such a great party and for being such a princess. Probably had to shout it to the world then because I was a little high. Oh Val was quite funny too and Xiao Jun xiao jie scares me because everything I say becomes an insult to her. Sheesh. Haha, oh and She who Must Not be Named is really cool. I'm glad I finally got the point through that only stupid people or stupid people who try to pretend to be smart are muggers, smart people who study or who don't are simply that- smart.

Ah, life is sweet. Pity all this will stand for naught before the blazing pyre of my future.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll moans and knocks his head.

I'm never getting drunk again. Really.

Last night was really great, Candice is sooo good at organising parties! It was at Timber, this little place that took ages to find. There was everybody! Akesh, Bhavan, James. Xiao Jun, Geri and VAL :D oh and Akesh finally found out about Daniel and somebodAy. Haha. Darius was there in a polo shirt as usual, so proving that he does have nothing to wear. Darius sayings: I've got extended arms shirt [a.k.a long sleeves]. Edmond was cool and STALLY was there! Did I mention THE GIRLS as well? AND Steven! We merged the tables and sat canteen-style.

Oh and the food was great. There was a chocolate fountain, source of alot of fun ranging from me eating spoonfuls of chocolate to Stally taking a picture of himself over the chocolate fountain. The beef was great as was the vegetables and the fish. I didn't quite like the chicken because there were beans but all in all, great catering Candice.

Music was great too! Haha, lots of music until I couldn't hear a single thing I was saying and had to shout into people's ears. Xiao Jun was angry with me for the entire evening :P because she thought I said she wasn't pretty. SORRY!! Haha, you were all very pretty especially the geisha Val! It was funny when Geri, Xiao Jun and Val walked into the dark alleyway behind because they looked like a slut, a geisha and a mama-san. Damn funny.

You're asking me when did I get drunk then? I'm not really sure. It was somewhere after the 5th glass of white wine when I then took one glass from somebody and another glass from the bar (so sparking off the only shit thing yesterday night, sorry Candice!). Well, somebody got a tequila shot and I took one. Then we somehow moved to the outside of Timber where I think we were all REALLY drunk except for Geri because we were all shouting and stuff. Took another tequila shot and then Val wanted to take two because Akesh was pushing, so had to take for her too. Gah, that was waaay to much. Sean is an alcohol virgin ya know, I haven't drunk since primary 6! But it was really fun, I've never had so much fun with the people in my class and now Val thinks we ought to all go clubbing. Haha, I think Candice should hold a Christmas party or something.

So it's morning and I'm hoping none of the cab driver's prediction comes true. I've been forcing water down my throat so it should be fine. Ah but it was fun, we are so doing this again.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll eats an apple pie.

Apple pie ice-cream is delicious. I had a cup of it at the ice cream shop near my dad's salon so I should know.

The members of our distaff contemporaries are, I must fain admit, passing strange. It would appear as if all manner of logic or rationale pervade not their heads, as if a certain veil did shield their eyes so. Perhaps it is but a convenient gesture to fend off unwanted attendants but still, oh how it pierces the bosom. The pin-prick of affection may not touch that gentle skin beneath the veil foraslong as she would have it be so. How we then, linger upon every movement and gesture, cling onto every laughter and all for the simple reason that is never as simple, love.

Enough said. Don't you love it when I plunge into that sort of language? Too bad I can't handle archaic english or the sort of Hegelian dialetic that will have the passing uninitiated blinded and dazed. Truly, to be a neophyte of the literary order is not that simple a thing. Least of all when one seeks to puncture the membrane of time and lost languages that obscures our past.

But my words are sincere as they always are.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll sighs and falls asleep.

I love HIM. Seriously, damn if I don't collect every single song. After which I'm going to buy the Libertine's latest cd then find a way around Korn's Twisted Transistor and then somebody tell me what else is like this and good. Agh, double voices are so cool, especially if they're not shrill or trying to scare you to death.

Oh I see your scars I know where they're from

So sensually carved and bleeding until you're dead and gone

I've seen it all before beauty and splendour torn

It's when heaven turns to black and hell to white

Right so wrong and wrong so right

Now

Feel it turning your heart into stone

Feel it piercing your courageous soul

You're beyond redemption

And no one's going to catch you when you fall

Oh I see you crawl you can barely walk

And arms wide open you keep on begging for more

I've been there before knocking on the same door

It's when hate turns to love and love to hate

Faith to doubt and doubt to faith

Now

Feel it turning your heart into stone

Feel it piercing your courageous soul

You're beyond redemption

And no one's going to catch you when you fall

I refuse to believe this is metal because metal is loud and noisy but this is nice, especially those when the singer's voice goes raw from emotion and anguish but not shouting. I hate it when people shout while they sing, so annoying.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll sighs with pleasure.

Hey Hew Ting, guess what? It's your birthday tomorrow. I don't know why I write this, in remembrance perhaps. I remember how we couldn't celebrate your birthday with you last year because nobody had the time, now I guess you won't ever have the time to blow another birthday cake with us. Two of my friends in school celebrated their birthday today and they were so happy. It made me think about how we'll be celebrating it with you at your grave tomorrow and somehow, it still hurts. Hew Ting, I won't forget you. It's sad, really, to see everyone move on and away from this crossroad that is your death because I find I stand here still. You haven't really died for me and I'm happy at least, that some of us still choose to stand at this crossroad with you. Even when my heart beats for someone else, I still think of you. I don't know, this sucks. You were always so happy, the noisy one with the handy lighter, the one who'd slap me on the back for picking at the food before we even sang the birthday song, the one who'd pretend to throw a fuss when we mentioned your small head, the one who'd stare at me while I cry over yet another movie. Oh yes Hew Ting, you gave all of us the gift of friendship and that is not withdrawn from us even in death.

I was going to blog about this super masseuse who made me feel all loose and happy but now, I don't think I can.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll takes a shot.

Ouch, now I'm definitely afraid. How am I to know that you won't do the same thing to me? Oh but how wonderful is the fire that you cannot touch, moths die by fire, I'd as much cast myself into the pyre that is you.

Oh yay, I broke the 30 mark for push ups and did 40 like what Daniel suggested. What sucks however is that I can't do two repetitions of that so I had to do 40, 30, 30. Ah well, anyway, I was supposed to exercise at an earlier time but fell asleep when I reached home. Sometimes, I wonder where I find time to do work when all I ever do at home are laze around and read irrelevant stuff.

Jing Heng's timeline has proven to be quite interesting even if I will never ever be a historian or an archaelogist. See? I can't even spell it right. It amuses me to witness my ineptitude at spelling because then I remember how the founders of the english language never did agree on how to spell, how to punctuate or how to phrase things. Hence we had to past tense of show as shew, we destroyed the subjonctif and created a wholely irrelevant present perfect while at the same time blurring the imperfect past and the simple past. A bastard tongue indeed, half the words from French with a smattering of German and the rest from obscure sources.

I am a mercenary, yes I know. You don't have to tell me that because I actually take pride in it.

I am now considering if I should wear my new running shoes to school tomorrow for PE because I think I look ridiculous wearing any form of apparel that even slightly suggests an athletic facility which I clearly do not possess. I guess in areas where I know I suck at, I'm exceedingly humble. I'm so humble in fact that I'd much rather not run or jump or do anything like that in the full sight of the bloody good sportsmen in class. Haha, but then again, Daniel already knows so, hmm.

I have but a word to say about the comments I found on the net about RJC. OK, maybe alot of words. Firstly, I came from Ahmad Ibrahim and dared to choose RJ as my school, am I social climber? I dare to apply for the Humanities Scholarship and actually got it, am I rising above my station? I think most people in our school aren't snobs so much as the fact that they see the outside world from a different perspective. We have for example, a girl in class who thinks horses are cheap. I don't think highly of this sort of wealth-induced stupidity but the point is, none of them deliberately try to be snobbish just so people feel bad. Sean is a different matter because he sees the world in a very strange way. Oh and anyway, I am proud of Raffles Junior College even if other people dis our school. I mean, hello, if you're going to criticize our school, then at least show that you can make it in on your own before telling us that our school is 'second rated'. Really, you think RJ students don't know the real world because we think all that matters are intellect? Well sorry but in case you didn't realize, RJ is the best place to realize that more often than not, wealth and popularity can get you to places where sheer hardwork cannot. It is a sad reality of life that I believe most other JCs don't teach their students so don't blame us for being elitist when it just happens that the Raffles alumni, that happy bunch of people, are also some of the most influential people of Singapore.

Wow, that was alot of words, I hope the people who read it actually understand it. :D

C'est tout.

Blank Doll v'avancer!

French was really nice today. It was sorta sad (oops, today is informal language day I guess)because our beloved Manu will probably not be teaching us as we migrate to the fourth floor for AVANCE. Haha, oh dear, and he was such a great teacher. I love the way French sticks in my head the way the rest of my subjects do because of the fact that I love them so much. Ultimately, there is no other way to study other than to love the subject.

Look at me dammit, stop being so blind. Can't you see me looking at you with these eyes of mine?

Anyway, let me reiterate something. I am absolutely committed to the belief that the educated are superior to those who have not received the best in education. We live in a meritocratic society, to state that a student from a JC is the equal of a student from an ITE is plainly contradictory. Having said that, I do not believe that the quality of the person is different, only the intellect because I acknowledge that somebody from a different institute might have a better character than me. Ah well, like, who cares? Not me.

So there's a thought that's bound to set somebody barking even if it's the truth.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll perspires.

I did something praise-worthy today. No, not re-assuring Val that her faith in GOD was touching even if it was through the Church, really. Sometimes, I guess the few who really find GOD through religions are blessed because not only do they find GOD but they have an existing code of morality that they can follow. People like me find GOD but then we have to come to terms with the idea that morality is a human concept, not GOD's.

Anyway, what I meant to say was that I went running. That's right. I think I did nearly 4 km and this is a feat because I have not run since my last napfa test which was aeons ago. The fact that I completed the whole thing in 18 minutes doesn't matter because I wasn't really counting time. It was fun and in addition to it, I didn't feel awfully pained at the end which must mean that I was exerting myself but I'm not in such bad shape that it hurts me overly so to run.

Yayness. I shall now proceed to blast my ps2.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll envoie une valentine au gouvernement.

Ok, forget the heartaches and the various little things of life. We teenagers see too much of this and none of the road ahead of us, or better still, the road ahead of everybody else. So here is my valentine for that special creature- the government and the august body of the PAP:

Half a century ago, Singapore was nothing more than a provincial backwater that was the epitome of Third World backwardness. She was the ill-gotten spawn of British colonial rule, a scarlet mote at the heart of a forbidding darkness, of despair, of poverty and hunger. Fast-forward to the present day and we see a mighty Singapore, a city-state rivalling the spectacle that were the Italian city-states in the Renaissance, the very Venice of the East.

Do we remember who to thank for all this? Who was entrusted with the custody of our beloved nation at her moment of vulnerability? When the forces of the Malaysian Merger sought to smother this spark that we alone represented, who stood at the forefront? Mr. Lee Kuan Yew whom I will always remember as he wept before the cameras, a proud man brought low for that singular moment by this unprecedented and unexpected outcome. This most remarkable man and his white-clad team, they were the seed of a Singaporean miracle that raised us above all others in the South-East Asia region. Before them, we the citizens of Singapore were nothing but backward, illiterate cretins held by colonial strings, the crudest and vilest sort of people. If not for their coming, we would not have come so far, nor grasped the impossibility of success.

Look around you at everything that bears the mark of our beloved Government and the leading political party. Who are you to declaim their dominance as dynastic and corrupted? Would you level the same question at the Bush family? Aung San's daughter is the emblem of hope in Burma, would you question her legitimacy because she would claim to rule with the mandate of her father's legacy and ideals? We are not a politicized nation because our government has achieved what so few have. It is an institution of rationality, of order, of light. Pragmatism bears upon her every action, think not it an easy feat for the PAP to tie her legitimacy with economic progress because that is not something that all political parties may claim. I would certainly not have counted on the opposition to lead Singapore to greater prosperity and stature with their obsession with greater liberties and social justice.

It is dangerous, jejune and not to mention facile to reject the PAP with no reason for only through arrogance or ignorance may we discount the many virtues of our government.

This was meant to be a letter of praise to our beloved Government. I fear I can hardly do justice to her with words alone. Forgive me for not heeding to your call, for turning my back on Singapore to follow that other calling that would have be taken to a foreign land. Nonetheless, to the PAP, I would have you know that I support you as well as the values which you stand for. So there, on this day after Valentine's, I do sincerely wish the Government and the PAP.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll eats a piece of white bread.

Oh the blindness that afflicts the world, how it breaks. Was it by choice? Ah, how bitter then.

Had dinner with Xuan and boy did we talk. It went on and on and on. Haha, lots of fun. Xuan however, refuses to let me be the gentilhomme as always. You see what I mean? You want guys to act more like gentlemen, then girls should be more like girls. Lol, this means don't talk to the waiter and also, generally being hapless. Female empowerment also means the collapse of the gentleman as an institution.

Anyhow, I'm so tired. I cannot speak because time binds me. Time and the things that grow with time. Forgive me.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll faints

So I missed today's meeting because I had to take my endoscope. It was quite a bizarre process and before that, there was the irritating queue. I mean, hello, private hospital? Queue? Appointment dates? Queue? I fail to see the links but apparently, you have to queue up.

Fasting for the entire day nearly drove me mad. School was ok but I was too tired what with the lack of food. The doctors were quite funny, they were ex-RJ students and while I was slowly falling into sedation-induced slumber, they were singing the college anthem in a show of comraderie. Really, really strange stuff. I remember some sort of choking thing halfway through, I think I forgot to breathe or something.

Oh but you know what was nice? When they inserted the needled into my vein to administer the sedative, I thought I had died and gone to heaven. There is a certain exquisite pleasure in that sort of pain. I shall not elaborate on that.

Anyway, I must have been really sensitive to sedative because I slept for two whole hours right after the endoscope and only woke up near evening where I then proceeded to gobble up roti pratas. I seriously need to start jogging and to gear up the sets because I'm getting fat.

GOD, please don't let silly xuan's evil bio teacher put her through remedial lesson tomorrow.

Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANIEL! I hope you enjoy your day. Don't lose your rolex watch! :D

C'est tout.

Blank Doll makes a promise.

Missed half of school on friday for some talk at SMU relating to the budget. It was passing bearable even if it wasn't as I expected it to be. Nothing much to write about that really, save for the fact that it worries me how the future of Singapore can be so uncertain. We need progress, we need prudence. Where do we find the time for liberty if it is a liberty not needed for the economic betterment of our country? The people ask for more social benefits without knowing that they have to pay for it, and the worst, they do not thank those who grant them those benefits. I must say, I'm rather sceptical about the idea of a state arising only from the collective will of the people. Granted I do not believe despotism serves any better good but I do not like the idea that a democracy is inherently superior.

Saturday was the usual. French was good, I'm glad that my friends from classe will be going on to avance as well so I don't have to do it alone. I guess in a way, it's a stress-reliever for me because learning French takes nothing out of me and I get to meet people I wouldn't ordinarily meet. It's quite strange, taking lessons and conversing with people about ten years older than you. There's a new girl who's the youngest now (14) and well, I guess I'm not that little anymore. This is depressing. Really.

Today. My life is so uneventful, unlike our beloved Tong or alot of other people I know. I like to think I'm collecting all this boredom in anticipation of all that fast-paced living that is the affliction of all successful fashion designer. Ha ha, that will be funny. Oh well, sometimes, the dull monotony of my days is really unbearable which is why I need the odd friend here and there to go out with.

M. le roi as usual, is busy serving up prime coffee. You'd think he'd write more, such an idle brother I have.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll stares at his stomach.

Last night was horrible, there was this group of people downstairs singing and shouting at 3 am. It was extremely annoying. Nonetheless, we must indulge these people who after all, benefitted the least from Singapore's meritocratic-led prosperity. It must be hard for them, that sort of frustration and the relative poverty that traps them in such a vicious cycle. But still, I think some part of me was afraid. You know how an angry minority can be trouble, I don't want to think about it.

Before that however, it was a good day yesteryda. PE was ok since I wasn't totally useless as usual. I think our class is quite fun. Here I want to thank everybody who contributed to the baijing because your generosity is the sort of thing charity is made of. Who cares if you donate a few grands to organisations and call that charity, that's conspicuous consumption. Lol, people with only 5 cents in their wallets, I understand. :D

Today, I shall have to visit the doctor at Tan Tock Seng where he will tell me if I need an endoscopy. Notice I assumed the doctor's male, sorry about that! Oh and because of this, I'm not going to school. Increasingly, I don't feel a compulsion to study as much as I do feel the need to learn. So I get impatient when we revisit basic stuff over and over again, I want to stretch my mind until I go 'huh?' and I feel a need to discuss what I've learnt with people. The intellectual stimulation that makes me happy just doesn't happen enough I think and I fear that I'm growing dull with the lack.

Oh well, like, whatever. I also feel an urge to spend my time doing nothing but shop, take tea, laze about at kino, sleep, make little tea puddings and all the sort of sedentary things that gratify me. Oh did I mention preparing my portfolio? Haha, yes, I'm getting to that slowly.

Ah and before I forget. Edmond, I seriously need your help. Guide me, O exalted One, in the ways of Bit Torrent.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll thinks hard.

What goes with sausages and sweet potato mash? I can't decide what to get the maid to do other than those two and I think some greens are called for. Or at least fish.

I have something to confess: I'm a salad convert. It all started with the warm crab salad I had at Bakerzin, then it was the mango salad Daddy made, then the salade nicoise at Alliance, then it was the wasabi prawn salad at the Coffee Club, then the chicken caesar salad at California's and now, the salmon salad from Coffee Bean. No, it's not about dieting. It's about the freshness of salad greens doused in dressing and then spruced up with some accompanying meat or seafood. It feels healthy and really, who cares about carbos and proteins? Those can come during dinner. For lunch, there's nothing like a good fresh salad, a glass of chilled spring water and a slice of yoghurt terrine. So to those wonderful girls in my class who have introduced me to the world's best cupcakes, please tell me where I can find the world's best salad. NO tofu. Tofu belongs to stir-fries and Asian good, not some strange Californian culinary nightmare.

So there. Today was a great day because it was so bloody short. I now have no homework until TONG decides to email his part of the essay to me so I can do my part. The class arrangement is nice because now those people who need help can get help, unfortunately most of them don't seem to want help. Oh well.

Carrot cake! With icing!

C'est tout.