Blank Doll

Today was quite a nice day in school because more than half the class weren't around so lessons were very informal. The verbal strike continues although ONE of us is wavering.

All right, so I'm being excessively juvenile. I don't like being wronged, that's all.

We went to J8 for break and I had a little talk with Candice afterwards during GP. I think this year has been quite a change for me, especially now. There are people in my class whom I know see differently because they've revealed sides of themselves that I previously had not seen. Some of them are really admirable and I am even slightly ashamed at how I've judged them in the past. I think I'm starting to really like the class now.

Finished watching Da Chang Jin. She is so pretty. Haha, shall watch it again when I'm free.

Insofar as intelligent thoughts to, today has been a rather lousy day for that.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll says something.

Imbecile.

I feel very efficient today even if realistically, I haven't actually been very efficient considering the fact that I'm blogging now.

Had coffee on Akesh during Math lecture. My opinions of him have certainly changed for the better. Scratch the noisy, annoyingly troublesom exterior and you find a guy with a great take on life and a sense of where he wants to go as well as someone who actually bothers to think. Wow.

How's that for in-depth analysis?

I've finally found it. The following lyrics are dedicated to my cherished friend Hew Ting. Listening to this song by Goo Goo Dolls certainly made me cry because it made me think of you. So here goes:

They painted up your secrets

And the lies they told to you

And the least they ever gave you

Was the most you ever knew

And I wonder where these dreams go

When the world gets in your way

What's the point in all this screaming?

No one's listening anyway.

Your voice is small and fading

And you're hiding here unknown

And you mother loves you father

'cause she's got nowhere to go

And she wonders where these dreams go

'cause the world got in her way

What's the point in never trying?

Nothing's changing anyway.

They press their lips against you

And you love the lies they say

And I tried so hard to reach you

But you're falling anyway

And you know I see right through you

'cause the world gets in your way

What's the point in all this screaming?

You're not listening anyway.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll eats cranberries.

Imagine a cake. It has a genoise base made with dark cherries, a layer of champagne mouse followed by a layer of sponge cake infused with rosewater, another layer of champagne mouse and then topped with a layer of glazed rose petals dusted with gold.

How's that for a blockbuster cake?

Speaking of which, I just had salad and cake for lunch again. It makes me feel less guilty but it presses all the right buttons. Oh and SORRY XUAN, I couldn't turn up. Look, I'll donate all my organs away or something ok?

Thank you class for looking out for Godiva receipts for me. Haha, I really want to get the membership card so I can pig out at Godiva with less guilt. You know, with the exception of some annoying and despicable people, I generally like our class even if they aren't the brightest sparks around. It took time and effort. I had to change my perspective and be more accepting before I came to like our class.

Are you taking notes, Stallone? Sheesh, why are you even attacking Darius for? In case ya noticed, he remains the only person who doesn't a) run away from or b) laugh at you. And why are you even creating all these problems for yourself anyway? People have experienced death of parents, divorces, loss of friends, betrayals, loves broken and much more. Have you? How well do you know anyone of us? Do you know the things some of us go through? Well, guess what? No. So quit whining. Candice may pity you but I have no sympathy for people who wallow like that. It's annoying and unbecoming. Do something about it , like stop laughing and quit taking random pictures of people already.

It just occurred to me that my mother may like to meet ms. ngin. Something also tells me that if she were here instead of being in South Africa, she would have agreed with me on the White Slip issue. It's not the white slip here, it's the principles. How I hate it when establishments get inflexible. Worse, there isn't even an excuse of being inefficient like any other school because this IS Raffles and we DO pay school fees thank you very much. Nonetheless, if I told that to Ms. Ngin, I'd most probably get into her blacklist for being arrogant.

I'm still right, so there.

Ok, shall go to bed. Wake up, jog, do history and then sleep. Haha, dinner tomorrow.

Blank Doll thinks you fucking suck.

That was stupid, uncalled for and cowardly. Don't hide behind the words of other people, don't come up with these petty schemes and then be so pathetic as to deny that they were your doing. You make me sick with contempt at how little you can be. Really, people like you were made to be despised. You call others blind pilgrims, well, I think you more befitting of that title. Who cares how much you can do when your character is such.

Ah well, we can't all benefit from a proper upbringing.

I shall have the dubious honour of taking with me to school an aural thermometer because my sister needs to use the oral one. Haha, who wants to share?

C'est tout.

Blank Doll bites his cup.

The only reason why I have time to blog is because I'm waiting for XJ to send me the econs s essay. :P

I just went to the library and borrowed some books. There's a book on urban planning, one on Chinese design and a book called "A Sentimental Journey" by Lawrence Sterne. It's actually an english text so the lit S people might be interested to use it.

FUCK! I just realized that there's homework to be done. Crap.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll takes a rest.

I have a dream. It is both a curse and a blessing. Blessing because it is the compass with which I set the direction of my life, because it gives me a sense of purpose and because it empowers me. Curse because it drives me relentlessly, because it leaves me cold inside and because it will never let me go.

Sometimes, I guess I do envy the people without aim their problems. Daniel may mock them for being blind pilgrims but there is a simplicity in their lives that I can ill afford. My whole life has been a process of clearing away the dross of my soul, the rudiments of my spirit and the debris of my mind until in the end, what is left is not purity but emptiness.

So yes, I am that empty vessel for my dream. I have sacrificed my childhood, my youth and my ability to be normal. Worse, I could sacrifice so much more for this dream.

My dream takes me to faraway places, to brilliant places. I see beautiful people, lights, laughter and wealth. Yet in the end, there is naught but me. My dream takes me to a place where there is only me. My dream is jealous for it tells me that I cannot love. My dream consumes me. It takes me even when my mind is afixed unto something else.

I have to bring my dream to fruition. It is my guardian spirit as it is my ghostly tormentor.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll takes a break.

I had a disturbing conversation with XJ about the difference between morals and honour. It made me realize what a strange contradiction I am. I am as much at peace with the dirt of the world as I am with the ichor of GOD. Ah, the beauty of a dichotomy.

YA went as well as we could have made it. I felt bloody useless and Jo was really funny. I didn't feel too good today though. I think I've been too tired or something because I was in quite a bad mood and I had this need to lash out at people. It's some strange frustration that's lodged itself within my bosom and I can't extricate it. Damn.

My beloved mother's in South Africa. I can't wait for her to be back with me.

You want to know the difference between morals and honour? Go to your bosom, knock there and ask yourself what you will or will not do. Honour will bind the foulest creature if it is a promise sealed with creature words. Morals wither, honour doesn't.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll pukes.

O-ok, lots of things to blog about, most of them bad. I'll deal with CC in a later post. Meanwhile, onward with life.

Sorry sorry sorry XJ for not doing the entire queue thing. Shit now you're going to judge my friendship on the basis of my patience. Argh, I hate wasting time queueing. Anybody who knows me will know that I'd rather pay a premium than queue. So I was seriously tempted to pay 50 bucks for a ticket just so they'd let me have it first but it wasn't my money so I couldn't do that. Ask me to do something else, anything but queue.

Today has been quite a bummer. Waited in the queue for the tickets, couldn't get it because I had to rush off to the office to run some errands for my ma and I was deathly afraid that they'd be closed. Narrowly reached there on time.

My granny came over to stay with us! I'm quite happy about that even though I'd have liked a little time to myself. She's one hell of a woman warrior.

Ok, I don't have time to blog comprehensively or even with a semblance of polish. I don't try hard to sound dignified but I do like to sound like I learnt English from reading proper books, not watching crap television programmes and consuming pulp.

Argh, no time! No time!

C'est tout.

Blank Doll speaks.

Oh dearest CC, I do wish that you'd take things less literally and with a much reduced need to defend the aggrieved. If you had paid any attention, my reference to the stupidity of the game was addressed to the absurdity that a quarrel of such proportion might erupt over something so jejune as a computer game. While I do deplore those insipid bums who spend most of their time doing something so irrelevant as playing computer games, I doubt your mother would fall into this category seeing as she does actually have a job.

Moving along, I'd hardly be the one to mince words here. We came from Ahmad remember? The only 'top scholar' we had had far less distinctions than that produced by the top schools so I am well aware of the reality. A scholar by any distinction is not only one who may score straight As as well as two distinctions for two S papers, three if he/she is a student of science, but he/she must also harbor a definitive interest in matters out of the syllables as well as be in possession of intellectual curiosity that necessarily extends beyond the limits of mundane life. We hardly produce those in RJ and I am sure that is the case for our cousins in HC so I highly doubt the possibility of that occurring in JCs below the average threshold of which AJ has the honour of being. By the way, one might wish to run a check on how many scholarships were actually awarded to people outside of the top five schools.

Having said all this, I must conclude that my comments were specifically targetted at the slight levelled upon the poly student by the jc student as well as the besmirchment of the image of all junior college students. Besides, a retard you may claim to be, but a fine acquaintance you certainly are. :D

The past few days have been great but tiring. I haven't been blogging for a while but I'll start soon once I get everything settled. My parents are flying off to South Africa in a few days time. *sigh*

O-oh and well, let's talk about my grades. Overall, I'm quite satisfied with them although the teachers don't seem to be. Well, perhaps only XJ may understand my satisfaction because she alone knows and believes that I didn't touch my books at all for the tests and that my grades were reaped on the sole basis of my singular merit bereft of any augmentation via last-minute effort.

So here they are:

Lit- 66. That's the class highest yes but still, it sucks. Other classes actually have As and our class is simply dismal.

Hist- 66. Haha, ok I shall refrain from writing so short from now on. I guess 2 and a half page was a bit excessive even if I wanted to cut back. Topped the class for history and I guess I should be consoled by the fact that as usual, there was no A in the level. I hope.

Econs- 82. Or was it 83? Anyway, I guess I had a fair chance at topping the level assuming the wonders at Humans don't supercede that. There's Shang the god, St. Janice and a whole lot more of them whom would doubtlessly have been the receipients of my lingering admiration and propitiation were I in the same class as them.

The dumbest of all. Project Work. Haha, I can't believe I got a 1 after all the work or lack of which our group put in. Hello, we had STALLONE. And I didn't have a script for my OP. Haha, I guess I really should be a politician given the high-sounding crap I can make up on the spot.

Whee!

C'est tout.

Blank Doll flosses his teeth.

Went to the dentist today. You know, the one at the top floor of Taka? It's really good, I highly recommend it.

Oh and then I did my sets.

Nothing much today. I'm quite tired actually even though there's still some shit econs homework to do and ECONS S!

Nuff.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll slumps in a corner.

I feel damn sad. Even now I still feel a slight pain in the stomach. What is it with these stitches? I thought I was ok but noooo, I had to take a little sip of water before 2.4 which of course, made it inevitable that I had to limp back to the starting line without completing it. Bloody shit.

Early NS for me, Akesh and Edmond. *sigh*

Anyway, I heard something from Bhavan today which I found rather amusing. Apparently some JC guy got into a quarrel with a Poly guy over playing some shit computer game like maple story. According to him, the Poly guy thrashed the JC guy so the JC guy accused the Poly guy of not having to study and that his diploma was useless while the Poly guy called the JC guy a nerd. Haha, how amusing.

Just as not everyone in Poly is interesting, so not all JC people are nerds. I mean, would you like to meet just a small fraction of my school's people? Also, I hope the JC guy wasn't from like Serangoon JC or something like that because assuredly, if you have to go to a JC that ranks below Anderson, you're seriously wasting your time because I cannot foresee how you're even going to go into a university. We're not even talking scholarships here :D

Oh and shame on you if you happen to be from RJ for being so crass as to openly insult somebody's academic credentials like that. Anyway, if you play maple story for fun, you're shit anyway and deserve to die.

Something amazing just happened during Econs S. I think Mr. Sowden touched on something though I'm not sure if he meant to. For welfare of society to be even considered a goal, the liberties of the individual must necessarily be subordinated to the state. If this is so, then welfarism is the missing link between society and the state. I can't remember who it was who mentioned that a common error these days that people make is to assume that the state represents society. The irony here is rich indeed! For the society as a whole to achieve welfare, the composite units of society must surrender their rights to a power monopoly ordained with the power to arrange society according to its perception, all in the name of the societal good.

Oh and I'm starting to dislike progressive tax. I mean, I've never liked it all along because it stinks of income redistribution AND now as we've learnt, constitutes a disincentive to be more productive. The irritation is then compounded by the absurdity of tax filing which incidentally, took me up till 1 am last night in a vain attempt to do it online which by the way, never works. The flat tax is beginning to sound more and more attractive for many reasons which I shall not list here until I can confirm my intuition.

Oh and XJ, can't be bothered to edit my entries. Just assume that all typos are that, typos and not faulty grammar even if technically, typos do tend to look like faulty grammar.

I need to do my sets. Shit.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll takes a pie.

Today was a super tiring day as usual. I never expected JC life to be so filled with stuff to do, glad as I was to dedicating my last few years in the academic discipline to study and fast. We had a short day today which was good because during break, Sarah, XJ, Val, Geri and me went to get Macs. I didn't know where the guys disappeared to after Mrs. B's lesson so I went with them to Macs where we heard this fellow rj girl saying that all rj girls are smart. Hello, have you seen how class? I do beg to differ.

Then we walked back to school, there being no cabs to be found. Econs was quite interesting and relatively simple even if I didn't have my notes. I guess it's quite intuitive at this point, after grappling with all the nitty gritty concepts of microeconomics in J1. It's quite refreshing to know that with the possible exception of Mr. Smith, most economists were fun-loving people of their decade, often hanging out in salons and hurling vulgarities at one another in the guise of intellectual debates.

Darius has been very nice recently. I don't think he deserves any of the scorn we pour on him now because he has tried his best to align himself with the class. Yes, I agree that I don't hold a high opinion of his academic talent and I do attribute his good results to sheer hardwork. But really, how many of us can thrive on academic talent alone? How many of us don't have to put in hardwork to do well? Really, at least his hardwork pays off and he has never claimed to be intellectually gifted or even looked down on people who aren't. So Darius, after such a long time, I finally acknowledge and vindicate your presence in class even if I still don't treat you as my equal :P Keep it up, I've been quite impressed so far.

For some strange reason, I suddenly see Akesh running around the LT with arms flailing around wildly with the two orange ribbons in his hair. Outre.

R Project was infinitely tiring. I am convinced that it takes more than curiosity to be a great fashion designer which makes me all the more determined to master my sewing skills because more than ever, I am firm in my convictions that I have what it takes to take Paris by storm. This is not my best. Wait till you see my best.

Anyway, there were tonnes of runs. I ate alot of pocky which strangely comes in a specific packaging which says 'for Men' and then I ate brownies. Val, cheer up! It's a special dress and I like your colour scheme so don't look so afraid of your dress. Some of the girls are really hot even if some of them really cannot make it. There was a guy who was very annoying and loud. Haha, funny isn't it? I don't like loud and annoying people even if on certain occasions, I can be annoying if still not loud. The stereotype fashion designer repulses me.

I just thought of something. I am proud to be a Rafflesian. We Rafflesians, or RJCians to be more specific, have something that others don't. We are reared in an environment of wealth, of talent, of social skills and politics. It is a world of hypocrisy, of subtle ranks and discriminations. It is a place where a particular brand of culture rules, where muffins from Marmalade Pantry are the norm, where people don't flood the mrt as a rule because cabs exist, where accents are cherished and where we can build this particular elitism that is so us. So yes, Hwa Chong may instill honour, the willingness to help your mates or a benign intelligence to its pupils. But it is us who will fare the best in the real world because unlike those sad sods who criticize us for living in our own little world, we are patently built for the politics of the real world that is also beyond the petty mediocrity of the common mass.

There, my little dose of snobisme for the day.

Reached home, went to sleep. Woke up for dinner. No Sarah, I didn't go run after all because it looked as if it were going to rain. Instead, I did my sets again and upped the ante. But I don't feel pain anymore. *sigh*

I need new weights. Thanks Daniel for the old ones! :D

C'est tout.

Blank Doll pukes.

Imagine it, I just might get a PES A for my NS because my doctor told me that my stomach ulcer wasn't actually the very serious sort. Wow.

Crap, I just found out that I have to do my Econs Central Banking shit with Liyana, Kristine and Candice. Oh well, at least I won't be stressed to produce anything substantial. Haha, the most we'll hand up shit and I'll crap on the spot.

The most benighted thing in love must be to meet one's soul mate. Too many things in the world try to tear soul-bound couples apart. The greatest tragedies are all about soul mates. They transcend race (Pocahontas), family (Romeo and Juliet), place (Abelard and who's that girl?), sexuality (Brokeback Mountain) and age ( I don't know, the Time Traveller's Wife? lol.) as well as circumstances (Tristan and Isolde), even kind (Niu Lang and the xian nu). Is soul-coupling then a curse as much as it is a blessing? I don't know. I'm not quite sure I'd like to meet that other fragment of me. It's bound to be painful, angry as I am at the idea of love. How can one honestly expect love to come from somebody not bound to you by blood? I certainly do not have hope that time can hold back the intrinsic hurt that one human may inflict upon another. Love is, I think, not something Man was patently made for yet craves for with the sort of insanity that ultimately consumes him.

Talk about sexual cannibalism.

Anyway, stop trying to do that. You can't. I've proven it to you so many times. Look, break out of it and maybe you can truly be great.

Look beyond your resentment.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll sleeps.

You know, we should all do more of this stuff because we're still young and ageing doesn't set in yet.

Yesterday was a super rushed day as expected. Took my sister to French, finished reading a couple of research papers on a) Marginal Social Cost Pricing and Transport in the EU, b) Land Distribution and CPF in Singapore, c) Urban Redevelopment in Singapore and d) Income Distribution in Singapore. You'd be surprised to know this but Singapore as of 2001 had a Gini co-efficient of 0.469 which means that we're pretty income unequal. Singapore supposedly has a 'First World GNP per capita' but a 'Developing Third World wage level'. This is good I guess in some ways though I shall not elaborate here because that's not the point. The point is, Singapore's income inequality is worsening. Aw, how sad.

Anyway, afterwards, I rushed my sister back home and then went back to school for the R project rehearsals. Candice's dress kept falling of her so I guess we're going to have to do something about it. Oh and then her jacket was done on the spot. I quite love what I did for her, given that I used all of one and a half hours to do her dress and like, half and hour to cut and tack her jacket. Oh and then she had to sweep her floor :P Ah but the runway walk so needs to be improved. We need another rehearsal for sure.

Then Sarah, Candice, Liyana and me went to Taka to find food for the party. Sarah was going to buy ribs but ended up buying Tori Q even though I suggested she substituted it with charsiew. I bought Royce chocs for the class because I love them :D

Then we took a cab to James' place and the cabdriver was really funny because he thought the girls were all speaking in a foreign tongue and Candice sucked at Mandarin. You should hear Candice speak Hokkien. Oh so we finally found James' place and then we got LOST at James' place looking for his house. Found it after a looong walk.

Things started to get interesting when Akesh came and they opened the alcohol cabinet. They took a Chivas Regal, a Bailey's, this Peach thing-um and something else that was finished way early. Edmond drank from the bottlecap! Haha, oh yeah, and there was food. Tori Q from Sarah, samosas from Ed, chicken wings from Val, salad from Geri, ice and drinks from Daniel, bread from Bhavan, goreng pisang from Nick, little chicken munchies from God knows who, chicken from Stally and chocs from me. It was really good. Especially when it was all washed down with a few glasses of whiskey with coke and other stuff followed finally with a very light wine that Daniel brought along with him. Thanks Daniel. :)

I think I got a little high at this point because we played truth or dare and I don't want to remember what I did. Oh the nice thing was, we went for a dip in James' place's pool! Haha, yeah, in the night at like 10 00 plus. Swam until the haze sort of cleared with Daniel, Ed and Stally. I think I went into a trance again while I was in the pool. Oops.

Then went to shower at James' place because Val and Geri wanted to go down to town. James has nice clothes and I must really have been drunk if I was ok wearing that red a/x shirt.

His dad drove us to Wisma's Nude. Ya know, the Indochine one? Yeah and then we ordered some cocktails to share. I finally got to try Kir Royale which is the world's best cocktail and my dream drink since I was a small little boy, Val got a champagne cocktail that didn't taste too good so as usual, we swapped drinks. Geri and Daniel got this really nice pina colada drink and James just ate rice rolls. The atmosphere was sort of nice because there weren't many people there. It's not an IT place and it wasn't too noisy so we could talk which we did :P and somewhere along the line, I broke a glass. Haha, clumsy me.

After the people started coming in, all of a singular persuasion, Val, James and I left the couple alone and went to Starbucks for coffee. I had a Tazo tea which was red as was Kir Royale. Haha, how cool is that? To match the red shirt that I was wearing. We spoke for some length, it's funny because I never knew I could speak with Val and James on such topics like marriage. It was nice, just to chill there and we saw Akesh's name written on the Starbuck's wall. Sheesh, you're always there somehow :P

Went home finally after some time. The taxi uncle spoke to me again. Why do taxi uncles always talk to me? Haha, they must think me to be very friendly or something.

Ah well, got home at 2 30, Pa was still awake waiting for me. Thank goodness I brought keys along. Showered, changed and went to sleep at 3 am.

NO HANGOVER TODAY!! Haha, yeah, swim after you get drunk people, it works like a miracle.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll dreams at night.

Yesterday night, I dreamt of Hew Ting again. This time, she really came back because of some sort of agreement concerning her soul. No, she didn't go to hell you silly Christians. I don't believe in hell.

So I was creeping around school exploring all the nooks and crannies that miraculously appeared, as if RJ really was that huge. Then somehow I ended up at that place at the reservoir where there's this dam which in turn results in a piece of dry land next to the river even though the relief is so different. The place was slowly being flooded and we had fun trying to get out of it because there were all these other people parachuting into the water.

Then I dreamt that I was at the supermarket buying ham. Why ham? I don't know. But finally I returned back to school and saw Xuan, so at first I greeted her and wondered who's that girl standing next to her. Then it struck me that she looked like Hew Ting, then it struck me that it was Hew Ting. As usual, I cried.

Ah Hew Ting, my good friend. Is this how I shall see you from now on? In my dreams only? You know all of us miss you. Come into my dreams more often!

Oh my god, today is seriously a busy day. I've got to rush my sis to French, rush her back home, have lunch, rush to school for r project rehearsals, possibly rush back home to take a shower or go with them to buy stuff for the party and then rush to James' house for the party. Whew. Haha, oh did I mention that I still haven't gotten around to doing the Econs S work?

Sorry XJ and Tong.

Oh and I must thank She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named here for getting Denise and I the tickets for yesterday's fashion show because it was really great. It also re-affirmed my drive to become a fashion designer because Givenchy totally sucked and if I couldn't design better menswear, I wouldn't put anything on a runway. I'm not going to critique the collection because I don't have the time but undoubtedly, it's affirmed my idea that clothes don't have to be boring to be wearable. Also, the cut is important of course but it is the little details like the fabric or the buttons that matter.

I love the music. I need to get that music. Where the hell do they get such good music? The bass, the bass was sooo good.

C'est tout.