Blank Doll faints.

M. Gaultier is a genius. You could see a finer hand at work now that he has experience to back his creativity. Oh yes, it's not the fiery display of talent that makes him so wonderful. It is the quiet details that stem also from his wonderous mind. The Givenchy collection was a flop. I'm so going to take over.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll walks with GOD.

I did it. I ran for thirty minutes non-stop and it nearly killed me. For the last five minutes though, something came over me and I felt so charged with energy. I was really angry or something and I felt my body heating up. Does this happen often because it was miraculous. I wish I could feel that sensation again and again and again.

Oh and I'm not drenched with sweat and rain. It's really gross and I'm standing before the fan drying myself up.

Whee, the dress for Candice is done. It'd be great provided her boobs don't grow even more XD

I need water. Dehydration sets in.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll sings a darken song.

Eh, stop it lah. You want success, well it comes with magnimity. Oh and I really don't give a flying fuck with you think things ought to be because the world would be a really warped place if it were. Learn some forebearance man, sheesh.

Went for my NS check-up today. What the hell is pes D? Lol, guess there's bound to be another check-up coming soon. I saw lots of Rafflesians today, haha, weird. Anyway, it was fine. Took way too long and a computer did blow up towards the end but all that happened was me coming out of the place stinking of toxic fumes.

Sometimes, you wonder why you make friends for. Is it for reasons of expediency? Or because you genuinely cannot stand being alone with yourself so acutely that you need to surround yourself with a hundred thousand voices? The former provides a more logical reason but it's not as comforting; well, the truth isn't always comforting.

Of course, there are always exceptions but for how long? And why am I feeling so morose when I've just woken up from a nap? LOL, way too many questions too.

Once more, f.u.c.k off.

Merci, c'est gentil.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll sighs.

Stop it, it's unseemly and gross.

So tired today, floored when I reached home. I need a looong nap.

Tu es absurde, tu sais. Vraiment, etre un bonne dirigeante n'est pas facile et il te faut essayer plus beaucoup d'etre polie.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll jumps up and down.

It's over, it's finally over! Common Test ends as of today and only the poor things at Hwa Chong still have SPA. :D Oh, the PC today wasn't too difficult. The first question was on Goethe's Faustus but being the amoral person that I am, it didn't particularly strike me as something fraught with emotional potential because I cannot empathise with a person who wouldn't want to meet Lucifer just to get his autograph. I did the second question instead, the mother and child one because I thought that was quite a nice contrast. Finished with half an hour of spare time. In sum:

Lit paper- spare 40 mins

History paper- spare 28 mins

Econs paper- spare 10 mins

Total: 78 mins

My time management rocks. :P

Anyway, had breakfast with Val and She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. I am constantly being made to feel stupid by everybody, I wonder why. It must be a privilege of mine, to be the stupid one all the time.

Then I rushed down to Hwa Chong in a cab to meet Xuan at the bridge before going down to Raffles City for crepes at that basement restaurant. Met a couple of her friends, haha, so different from the people I know from my school. Oh and poor Xuan fell down and seriously bruised her knees, geez..

Did you know that Hwa Chong has a Young Gentleman Award? The mere thought of it makes me want to laugh were it not for the pain that would have caused me. Oh and then we went to get my glasses, the one that Daniel says make me look like wassat? Yeah, you ass.

Anyway, walked around with Xuan because she needed new shoes. Along the way, she told me about this strange dub of Aladdin which I really want to watch. Haha, hamburgers!? Absurde, tu sais.

She went home, I went down to school for an unholy round of rehearsals for opening ceremony tomorrow. Got accused of being aloof and antisocial. Also got described as usually looking like I'm staring into blank space with a smile, so not exactly looking very smart. Then got described as tall, lanky and fair instead of pale and frail as usual. I tell you, I'm not frail lah. Ok, so I hurt my left arm carrying the chair today but that was because of wrong posture and now it's fine again. Granted I'm not strong either but the world shouldn't be so extreme ya know?

Went home and then talked with my little sis for a while. Got my PE gear on and went running for another 5 km, narrowly getting mugged and hit by a car, narrowly squashing a dog peeing by a tree and narrowly colliding with a cyclist. Ah, the wonders of jogging. Next time, I'm sticking to the normal trail which is less adventurous but safer. Wait, it cuts through three large roads and two petrol stations, how safe is that? It's either that or risk getting my head bitten by overhead tree snakes by running along the leafy trail. Argh, no way am I touching the smelly trail, it's too short and it's so far away.

Shall shower, check my mail and then squeeze in the requisite hour of PS2. It IS post-CTs after all.

I don't care. I'm turning up at French tomorrow and I'm NOT wearing a tie with my blazer because a) I have no tie and b) My shirt doesn't have the collar that allows for a tie. I mean come on, you teenagers think it nothing to wear like tee shirt and jeans around the place as if that's presentable and then you come and lecture me about how I should wear a tie with my blazer. M. Tom Ford has never worn his blazer with a tie, neither has M. St. Laurent or M. Gaultier. Besides, the tie is hot, doesn't look as good as the cravat and the colours are ugly. In addition, I'll be in hiding for most of the ceremony so there. You are NOT convincing Sean.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll laughs.

Considering the fact that I didn't study at all for all my tests, only found out about the PNTBT in the morning along with the Treaty of Hanoi from Xiao Jun, I'm very happy to say that I did pretty well. I think. Well, let me define well. Well in this case is having met my goal for this common test of writing far less than before to see if I could get the same grades. If I do, this means that I have been writing too much all the while and have been really stupid. Oh and I finished the history test 28 minutes ahead of time. Sean can at least claim an altar along the other Study Gods for superb time management even if he can never measure up to them in terms of academic merit or sophistication of thought.

Anyway, got back home relatively early. Caught Ma while she was in a mad frenzy. Again, Sean should at least claim another place on the altar for having superb crisis management skills because I got the atmosphere calmed down by being very efficient and helpful. You know, I ought to have been born 600 years earlier. I'd have made a good courtier, maybe Chief Custodian of the Imperial Curios and Art Commissioning Agency.

I must say, the latest book I borrowed from the library is infinitely interesting. Imperial Chinese History from 900 to 1800, no mention of stupid peasants because the key focus is on the Imperial Household and the Court. Well, unless the peasants happen to be the cause of the downfall or the rise of a dynasty, two things that need not be mutually exclusive.

Oh and exercise is a vicious cycle. Everytime you start to feel relaxed, you have to increase the intensity or duration. How dumb is that? So now Sean will never be able to run 3 km and think it hard work again, oh no, Sean has to do 5km or he feels himself to be a spiritual failure. In fact, Sean just upped the ante for sets again and he does not know how long can he sustain it before it takes up far too much time. Argh.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll sleeps.

All right, the paper wasn't too difficult. But then again, with our beloved Mme. Tan who teaches us Heart of Darkness, you never know. I might just be 'writing notes to [my]self' again. I do hope that having dropped math will give me the right sort of energy to do well for my CTs even though technically, I really don't deserve it.

Tomorrow is the history paper but heck, I'll just get a B again. I think I'll try for an A during mid-years. Until then, you can all run ahead of me in your aimless scramble for striaght As and scholarships because Blank Doll doesn't really care now save for the fact that he needs to do well for his French and brush up his drawing skills.

Haha, yuppers, somebody can take the scholarship in my stead. :P Ok, that was super ego but nevermind, I'm supposed to be ego even if I have to pretend a sixth of the Humans people and a tenth of the Arts people don't exist.

So right, I shall bathe, go to the library to get my sister a surprise book and then start sketching. I hate it when I run behind time for my designs.

Xuan, come let me do the honour of treating you to lunch. Haha, you never give me the chance to be a proper gentleman you know.

FOOD!! :D

C'est tout.

Blank Doll says 'noooooooo'.

So much for 'this March will be an unusually dry month with below-average rainfall across the island'. I took a nap at one pm and woke up at 4. Then, I went to do some sets after which I went to run. Whee, this is crazy. I've never done so much exercise in my life and it seems as if all I ever do now when I reach home is change into pe gear and then a) fall to the floor doing push ups, crunches, dips, leg lifts, weights and angel-lifts or b) run at least 4 km which inadvertantly turns out to be 5. Really, I never have time to do the nice things in life anymore.

Part of me wants to melt my mind in time for NS so I won't have an individual self. The other part is screaming at the self-destructive part because in fashion, it's all about individuality. I'm such an intellectual fashion designer in the making. :P

It's funny. I don't support eliminating poverty because I see that as a sort of vertical redistribution which irks me. I don't think we should give some of our income to others so that they may not be poor because in the end, they didn't move out of poverty by themselves so there is always a chance that they may slip back. This does NOT mean that I do not believe in charity. Charity is when we give others an opportunity to better themselves by themselves. So I hate it when nations give aid to other nations because all that is happening is a continued spiral but I approve of debt relief to an extent. So I hate giving to charity but I just have to give money to the uncle downstairs who sells tissue.

Weird.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll wants ice cream.

Ouch, I just read a gross article about the Taliban and their treatment of women. Somebody please argue in support of the Taliban so I can assure myself that the world still has a rich supply of mad bigots. I mean seriously, how on earth did women become the weaker sex? This I do not mean physically, but in terms of rights and empowerment. Why is there still a consistent absence of women amongst the movers and shakers of the world?

Haha, me crying out for justice when I don't even believe in the freedom of the press. Right.

The fact is, the only thing I really treasure is the right to own private property. You can lock up the media, rig the election posts or even censor the Internet, but don't take away my right to own private property. Don't tell me the house I have over my roof won't be mine if you happen to be unhappy with me. I won't have it. The right to own private property is the foundation of our society, it is the reason why the USSR lost the Cold War.

Oh and today's test was all right. Thanks to a donut from She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, I had enough energy to charge through my paper and I am happy to say that there were no Moments of Panic like what happened at the Promos last year.

Ah well, shall now take a nap so I have energy to run later. The masseuse is coming at 7 pm I think so I'll have to run before that so I can have all the aches and pains exorcised. Haha, the image of the masseuse beating up a Sitting Ghost comes to mind.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll shouts.

Oh you are blind. Enough said, the blood runs dry as it were.

Yesterday was great because I spent it at the Shangri-la having afternoon tea. It's really quite affordable and with the amount of holiday time left, I'd much rather do stuff like this then rot at home. The food was great, the 101 types of tea made me wish that XJ was there as well so she could drink the teas and critique them. Of course, when it comes to afternoon tea, how can I even forget the one and only xuan? Haha, xuan! Next time let's have tea together ok? My treat.

After which I went for a foot massage and so spent another hour there. Read Time and Economist in a misguided attempt to assuage my guilt from not studying. Oh well, there's always time for that.

Don't you wish time would just pass a little faster? Well no. I am looking forward, as perverse as it may sound, to NS. I can just imagine it, letting my mind be as blank as Blank Doll and letting the ego take over.

Today was spent waking up really early so I could take my sister to ballet at the RTC. We had dim sum there, ordering like six dishes and then a dish of delicious tenderloin and my favourite lotus leaf-wrapped seafood fried rice. Yes, I feel so much like a pig now.

Then mei and I went over to Daddy's place where we rotted for a while before going to get some new glasses for mei and I. I love my glasses. They cost a pretty sum but I love them alot. I can't wait to get them come next friday. Oh and then Daddy took us around the place looking for this tea place which we of course couldn't find because Daddy forgot the place. You know, I love my Daddy. I know it's not the sort of thing that guys say but when you've lived my life, you come to appreciate it when your father's around even if it's for that short while. I wished I could have spent more time with him but then I think of Mummy and, it's hard. Sometimes I wonder how it'd have been if it weren't so tough.

Yes, I've had a horrid past even if there were many flickers of light. It seems as if my entire childhood was spent making and shedding friends, gaining experience and memories until I finally emerge out of my shell to be what I was meant to be. I'm nearly there now, soon.

Oh and unbeknownst to everybody, Blank Doll being the intellectual masochist that he is. Ok, being the masochist that he is, is currently subjecting himself to the salvos of at least three people far older and so more knowledgeable than him in a discussion via a blog where he cannot possibly win. This is because he has taken the losing side which is perverse seeing as it's also the status quo and also because his emotions get the better of him. I am glad at least that at least one of the elders there do enlighten me and show me the other side of things without *ouch* attacking my a) naivete b) stupidity c) bombastic language.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll had lunch.

Went out with Ying today for lunch at Paragon's Ding Tai Fung where we ordered a whole lot of dishes. It's quite affordable there even though the food's good.

Spent more time talking with her thereafter, it's really nice to catch up with old friends like this. There's just something comforting about having a friend that can stand against the tide of time and novelty, not many friends are up to that test.

So we bought ice cream and then walked around. Knocked off at Borders before taking the train back home where when I told her about the history of colonialism in South East Asia and the European incursion in China.

Oh, and I worked out in the morning and in the evening so I feel so much better. Yesterday's run was a mess. I resolve to stick to a proper path and finish my 5 km properly the next time round.

Borrowed a few interesting books, one of which has the below extract-

Petronias: If virtue is beautiful then a real connoisseur of beauty is a virtuous man. In other words I'm a virtuous man. Hmmm, I'll have to spill a little wine today to the ghosts of Protagoras, Prodicus and Georgias; it seems there's some use for sophistry after all.

From the book Quo Vadis. Fascinating read.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll just woke up.

The Singaporean Economy seminar thing was quite good yesterday. Well, it wasn't groundbreaking or terribly spectacular but it was a good reminder of many things that we ought to have known from reading. Apart from the bits about competition and the use of CPF as an exchange rate tool, the rest was pretty normal.

What was interesting was that for the first time, I finally got to speak to *gasp* Shang. Yes, the fabled Shang of the Humanities class. Somewhere in the blank spaces of my mind lies an altar for Student Gods upon which are two idols: Shang and St. Janice. I think what made it so much less intimidating was that he was a great guy and while that powerful intelligence is always humming away at the back, he doesn't whip it out like once every ten seconds. Perhaps another reason why it wasn't so intimidating was because there was also Jo who appears to make friends so easily. Haha, finally, another non-Christian real Chinese in RJC. I'm so happy I couldn't care less if she's a wannabe ah-lian.

Cleared my files! That's right, Sean is organized again so watch out because I am now mugger-ready. Pretty soon I will throw away all irrelevant readings and offer my inquisitive soul to the dark side whereupon I will begin studying exam-smart if that's even possible for me. Hell, why can't the rest of you just express great interest and imbibe subconsciously via enthusiastic reading too? Noooo, you have to make notes, you have to copy transparencies, you have to halt the class every once in a while so you can howl at the teacher to repeat that last point (idiot you) and of course, you have to consume the study guide just so you can vomit it out on the spot. Really, for removing the knowledge and eclat from learning, you guys disgust me.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll takes a stand.

I am proud of our government and I am proud of the PAP.

Somehow, I'm not sure which group is worse. Is it the generation of our parents who were borned when Singapore was soaring on her trajectory of growth and so knew nothing of what it means to have fought so hard for a free country or my generation that shares the same blindness of their parents.

This is the reason why I will ultimately emigrate. Singaporeans are ingrates. They turn their backs on the very leaders who led them to glory, they forget that it wasn't very long ago that we were nothing but the farthest outpost of the British Empire. They become too bogged down with petty details like how the government restricts their freedom. How much freedom do you need anyway? Can you count freedom? Can you trade it for sustenance? The filipinos are free, how many of them are also full and receive annual incomes of five figures and more?

With such a generation as our parents, is it any wonder that my current generation is so politically disaffected? If you cannot contribute, don't upset the delicate balance of power upon which our country's prosperity and greatness are built upon.

To that end, I will never support the opposition for as long as the PAP proves competent. It is when an incompetent government proves to be also authoritarian that it endangers the country, otherwise, I believe liberal democracy to be inimical to Singapore not to mention worthless. We are blessed with a great government, never forget that.

Meanwhile, the opposition sells books fraught with grammatical inconsistencies on the streets and cannot come up with a proper plan for the economy.

Vote for the PAP, people. Vote for the PAP.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll eats chocolate.

At the Alliance now. I can't think of what to write for Alps' speech even though after consuming copious amounts of iced chocolate. Worse, I had forgotten to bring my wallet with me.

Nothing much to write. Buddha Bar is just as good as that Milano fashion music I bought. The hundred bucks I spent was well worth it as it appears.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll takes a shot.

Tong has just accused me of snobisme again. To better facilitate his accusations, I shall now attempt to construct a few portraits of people whom I do, despite my best efforts, despise.

Case 1

Working class Chinese man who probably spends most of his time at one of the industrial parks supporting the economy in his tiny ways. He may or may not smoke, but he is assuredly to be in the possession of little or no education. Fate has thus arranged it such that he must survive by the petty cunning that is the mark of a small man. He may feel extreme discomfort or anger at the fortune of others, feeling some sort of inferiority complex that is truly ugly. He haggles alot, tries to profit by the smallest measures and is resolutely stingy. He may or may not speak in dialects because the coarseness of his character is not what I despise, it is the pettiness of his character that disgusts me.

Case 2

She goes through life thinking that it is but a stage upon which she must display thoroughly her ineptitude at thrusting her mind in the right academic course. This of course, is mistakenly perceived as some sort of achievement on her part and she usually attracts people very much like her. She scorns the humanities and all forms of intellect, thinking that gossip and the dull monotony of teenage affairs to be far more interesting when in actual fact, she truly bores with the dullness of her cognitive capacity. It is worst if she is, thinks she is or tries to be popular because as Aristotle rightly pointed out- the masses are stupid and so will naturally like the stupidest of them all.

Case 3

The classical Singaporean Child. Refer to old LJ.

Case 4

He/She is contented to amble through life with no aim save for the determination and alarming skill he/she have in attaining the stature of a Perfect Parasite. He/She will stay at home with the parents for as long as possible, never do a singular thing that might conjure pride within the hearts of his/her kin and of course, make his/her betters acutely embarrassed of being even slightly associated with him/her.

Case 5

Did I mention that I dislike the petty sous-bourgeois that is a remarkable trait of many Chinese?

One gets the feeling that I am racist but the truth is that I am absolutely pro-Chinese insofar as Chinese refers to the hardworking, charitable, intelligent, insightful and cultured people who are shining emblems of this storied race.

Having said all this, you may now stone me for being a snob but you'd just be proving yourself to be either a hypocrite or belonging to the above categories if you do.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll eats too much fish.

Yesterday was quite good because for starters, I didn't just go straight home like I always do. Instead, I went to Orchard so I could wait for XJ to nuah at home and then meet her so we could make our way down to the Glasshouse for fish.

Ok, so the service was baad and our table looked saad. What the fuck, I thought Akesh and Bhavan were going! Ah well. Oh but it was quite good until the band started playing really loud. Now you know Sean loves loud music as much as the next person, just listen to my ipod, but seriously, food and loud music do not mix. The worst was at the Ritz-Carlton where I was having afternoon tea and the ensemble was playing drums! Sheesh.

Anyway, so Geri, Val, XJ and me walked to a quiet place near a park with lots of disgusting couples in the dark. I hope Geri doesn't get any ideas...

Talked until 10 plus and then I went to take the mrt, so reaching home at 11 and then going to bed at 1.

Today, I almost did not wake up again for I thought that it was a holiday. Anyway, so I managed to rush to school and then Daniel had this really cool fake lizard. Have I ever mentioned that I once had a pet python that ran away? It was really cute, the way it kept trying to throttle the life out of my fingers with its tiny body. I hope it's safe and sound. When I grow up, I wish to have a frog. A bright blue one, a fat frog. Haha, yeah, I think reptiles are cool.

Anyway, the rest of the day was quite redundant and hot. I pretty much endured it till the end whereupon I went to meet my mother at Tan Tock Seng Hospital where she went for an MRI scan. She said it was like being in a coffin, hurr, I thought it just felt like you were in a scanner.

Oh and then I ate fish and chips at Fish and Co AGAIN! ARGH! Haha.

I'm tell you, this is random, but the music from that Milano fashion cd and the Buddha Bar cd I got from That Cd Shop are the best. They are smashing. I think the only music I really like are music like this, gothic metal lite and 80s emo.

I shall try to sleep early tonight because I never get to.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll sits on the fence.

Sean: Do I have an attitude?

XJ: Yes, you do.

Sean: Do I? Really?

Everybody: Of course not! You're the nicest, most temperate, most patient and humble person RJC has ever seen.

Sean: Thank you.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll crawls like the veriest savage of them all.

Ouch, PE was stupid. Really stupid. Seriously, I do not understand why our teachers can't just let us play floorball or at least handball. Oh no, we've had to play water polo except without the water. Did you know what we used as water?

Blood.

Yes, thanks to the excellent instruction of the teacher, we had to backcrawl around and as a result, I now have two huge blisters on both palms and one of them is now filled with blood. I shall lance the blood-filled one if only to escalate the pain.

Oh and besides that, I survived another seriously boring and weird round of History S and then managed to run for 24 minutes! Yes, that is the longest I've ever done at not-being-able-to-talk-without-dying pace. I think I covered something between 5 and 6 km, a seemingly short distance but a great leap for me.

je parlait avec mon frere un moment avant et c'est un peu interessant mais j'ai peur. Oui, j'ai peur de tromper. Ah, mais c'est pas grave.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll barfs.

The City is a beautiful human construct. It is the penultimate symbol of Man's struggle for independence in the face of Nature's caprices. Indeed, Man and the land were divorced when the City was conceived because the very idea of the City erased the agrarian life as the centre of a society, just as the agrarian tradition obviated the nomadic tradition before.

I was going to break into an essay on the City but decided against it. The blog is also a beautiful human construct but alas, it was never made to hold essays.

Lunch was too much. I'm going to die.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll spits at you.

I am writing this to express my absolute disgust at what happened during History lecture when Mrs. Chia mentioned the Separation between Malaysia and Singapore where the people in the lecture laughed. You cannot understand how horrified I feel because truly, today, I am ashamed of my fellow youths. If all you can do is wail at the government for not doing what it is NOT doing and not celebrate what it HAS done, if all you can do is shout 'Liberty' and 'Freedom of the Press' in English, then shame on you because you do not even know the basic virtue of patriotism. This is not about revering Mr. Lee Kuan Yew even if I do admire him very much, this is about recognizing the fundamental sorrow and despair our nation felt at its darkest point and then see that what we have today is all the result of a great government who sacrificed everything for the economic good of the country.

Singapore in the 1960s was a truly sad place, how can I make it clear to you, you who has only seen Singapore in all her prosperity today? Can you see the abject state of housing during those days? Can you feel the fear in your bones when your neighbours laugh and cheer Malaysia on, ominously hinting at the prospect of invasion? Can you feel the nakedness of having a bare-boned defense when Indonesia was the greatest military force in South-East Asia? Were you there when the first peoples of the Singaporean government undertook her enormous task of economic growth? Your grandparents built their fortunes on their back, in uncertainty. People fought riots in the streets, we had nothing. Nothing.

None of us contributed to Singapore's greatness today. Today, we are a crimson mote of light and progress in the midst of a grey landscape mired by war, poverty, chaos and sickness. We have an enlightened elite, a steady middle income base and a diverse economy. Let me reiterate this, not a single person from our generation contributed to this. We did not fight for Singapore's independence, we did not fight for her survival, we did not fight for Singapore. It is enough that we have done nothing for her, but to belittle her tribulations? That is too much. That is arrogant, shameful and deplorable.

Yes, Liyana and all those tittering light-headed people who think themselves so sophisticated and witty for expressing their amusement at the scene. I am talking to you. What you said during lecture, laughing at the idea of Mr. Lee Kuan Yew, that proud great man crying before all his followers, is unforgiveable. Never mind that you do not feel the same sense of belonging to the country, but at least have the intellect to understand that at the darkest moment of Singapore's history, our greatest leader showed that he was but a man, scared and uncertain about our future. Laugh at that and you mock the collective effort of our elders, you laugh at the successes of your grandparents. Don't ever forget the past because we are nothing if not the result of our past.

Rooted in our present generation is the beginning of Singapore's fall. This is enough to make me want to stay in Singapore and contribute my life to her as a politician because at the rate with which our youths are going, none of them will be capable of leading the country because none of them have the heart for it. One can only shudder as they pay lip service to some strange idea of western liberty and open society when the key problems are still social cohesion, economic survival and the strategic importance of Singapore.

Yes, I'm disgusted and I'm not sorry for it.

C'est tout.