Blank Doll sits still.

Field camp is finally over. Shall I speak of the madness? The utter desolation from which there is no reprive? The sheer disengagement from civilisation and sanity? It is a broken chalice of memories that I cannot piece together, not before I gather all the shards of a shattered mind.

I was very fortunate nonetheless, to have found such great friends and superiors. Sgt Zasir and 2lt Dzul were practically my lifeline without whom I really would have died back in field camp. Dear Marcus, Zu Wei, Amas, Yong Shan and my other section mates. People from other sections like John and Leonard.

The heaven over my head seems made of molten brass, the earth of flaming sulphur, yet I am not mad.

I would rather speak of lighter things. Yesterday when I stepped out of the military, the first thing I did was to change into civilian clothes. Nevermind that I had to do it in Daddy's car, it was a cathartic process I was desperately in need of. I think Daddy felt the unprecedented fragility in me too because that was the first time I hugged him for a very long time. All my loved ones like burning embers in that long dark night when my cries echoed for naught.

We went to La Strada for a good lunch. Began with a mimosa which, along with the bellini, has become my favourite cocktail. The consumption of warm artisan bread with olive oil after combat rations is an experience like divine ecstasy. First course was a slice of toasted brioche with warm zucchinis and real anchovies- the combination of both making this simple dish almost sublime.

Then there was the minestrone. Unpretentious in its generosity and the provenance of the produce used, a remembrance of its peasant origins yet in its simplicity, the broth nearly brought tears to my eyes.

Since we all know that Sean has a particular weakness for foie gras, the next dish which was foie gras ravioli in a truffled cabonara sauce simply blew me away. How do I convey it across? That sudden burst of flavour, that richness after the long drought of atrocious comestibles.

No Italian meal is without pasta and we had linguine with prawns. The taste was rather pedestrian although I did like the texture of the pasta. I think my predilection for French food has made my palate a little too heavy.

The main course though not a work of genius was certainly good. A flattened morsel of veal coated in breading and spices cooked to near perfection and garnished with fleur de sel. Wonderful.

The dessert. What can I say? I am who I am. Coffee granita with a slice of chocolate tarte and creme fraiche. The chocolate tarte so dense and rich though it was slightly crumbly. The coffee granita a welcome cleanser for the palate.

Then Daddy took me to my French class and I had a much needed intellectual boost before returning home to my mummy and sister. There are sentiments which need no paper to record for they are seared onto the silent pages of the mind by their very strength. My beloved family, piecing the little shards of me back again.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll drinks.

Oh my god, my throat will never recover from this abject funk. I am wheezing, coughing and my voice has gone down by two octaves.

Last night was fun though :D Went to meet Sarah, AkeshJamesBhavan, Daniel and our darling birthday girl Geri at the Kandi Bar. Nice place there, small and quiet with adequate music. The mojito there tasted a wee bit funny. Aside: Mummy was down at Clarke Quay too! She went to mos though but not before having a look at my friends.

Sarah was hungry so we went to Tapas Tree to get some snacks. The smoked salmon and cream cheese was like the first time I've eaten smoked salmon since I was enlisted in the army. The cheese croquettes were good too and tasted like proper cheese, a hint of cheddar, brie and mozerella (an irony that I can never spell my favourite cheese). Oh, we proceeded to the Fashion Bar thereafter because I wanted to take a look at how a fashionista's version of the sports bar would be like and I like it. Had another drink over there, SMO, which was good. I'm not too big a fan of Bailey's and sweet, milky cocktails but it was refreshing enough. I was very upset when they told me that they'd run out of champagne, like, hello?! Sarah fell in love with Franck Sorbier and Ellie Saab, I wish she'd seen John Galliano's early collections.

Went to mos thereafter to meet the rest where apparently, my mother'd talked to them and stuff. Haha, Mummy rocks. Mummy was upstairs and we were downstairs and to my dismay, the Tattinger bar was closed for private function. Damn. Anyway, had my cranberry vodka. Then another. Then another. And then two Jim bean mixes, and then another. Haha, pity my drinking partner wasn't there (yo val, CHEER UP! :D) and Sarah decided to moderate herself. Took my first timid steps onto the floor and discovered for myself how nice it is to close your eyes and lose yourself to the beat. Oh, and Happiness was there, a pity the Other was sick. Poor Tong :P

Talked outside mos for a while and I still want to go to Clinic cause the concept looks cool. Mummy came to pick me up afterwards and we left.

Woke up a little too late today. Need to pack for army and prepare for field camp. Argh. I can't wait to go to Paris where the clubs/bars/restos there are like 84758 times better than those here.

C'est tout.

Blank Doll

Happy New Year!

I hope I have the time to write one of those long posts I habitually do to mark special occasions like this. I find I no longer have the luxury of time to savour the full qualities of a complete introspection and am forced to cherish every second of my liberty with a sentiment verging on desperation.

Oh, before I do break out into a one of those, there's still yesterday to write about. Basically, I didn't do much to celebrate New Year's Eve. Lunch at the Sun with Moon avec ma famille plus les amis comme d'habitude sans Ying. Jeffrey turned up from some odd corner in Singapore after a very long while. It was quite a nice lunch before we headed off to Kino to shop. Saw Jo there attempting something unspeakable but at least she had a conscience, that or a very handsome Japanese. I bought 200 dollars worth of books after the 20% discount. There is the very fat and juicy Louis Vuitton book, a little primer on perspective and Le Rouge et le Noir in the original. Very happy. Met Debbie on the way home. Xuan's very good at balancing herself and I have the most long suffering friends all of whome endured the 30 minute wait that shopping at Zara entails. Did I mention that I hate Zara? Ok, now you know.

Anyway. Dinner was a family thing, well, with the addition of a few friends that my mother couldn't resist inviting. A most enjoyable meal consisting of potage de terre, roast beef with asparagus and mashed potatoes infused with garlic, chicken cooked in a mint and yoghurt sauce and to end the meal, an apple and mint souffle. Oh, and there was this most remarkable bottle of dessert wine.

Ok, back to introspective. This year has been a great year, seriously. I have lost a few friends along the way but not by the truckloads as I did last year and I think I've become stronger this year in more ways than one. While school seems a distant thing now, I really learnt alot from my teachers and my friends.

On that note, I want to thank all my JC friends:

Xiao Jun, obviously, for having been a loyal friend and ally through school and the petty affaires that a fruitful day in RJ entails.

Val for being innocent, sweet, for sharing food and talking about weird stuff and for just, well, being Val.

Sarah my lao po for being such a dear, for always being noisy and long sufferingly funny.

Candice the mean girl who became a dear bud and who has been simply great.

Kristine, for making me laugh alot when she accuses me of being a greater glutton than she is although we all know that is simply NOT true.

Dee for the fellow fashionista comraderie: NS will never change that!

And did you think I'd forget you Clare? Don't be such a dick XP.

Made my peace with Liyana, like, about time! Be strong, girl.

GERI!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Sorry for not being able to make it but you're a sweet doll and I hope you make good use of the coming year.

Akesh, you suck for downgrading yourself to Pes C, shame on you but it's been a great year and you've been a great friend even though I always thought I didn't pay enough attention to my guy pals in 2006.

Bhavan for being a friend though I don't really talk to you much, you'll love NS.

James, wake up.

Darius, Darius! Look, I'm really sorry about 2005 but that really wasn't my fault (or it was but I'm refusing to admit to it) and you've shown yourself to be a much better guy than alot of other people I know so there, kudos to you.

Nick, I hope you grow up.

Stally, get a shrink, seriously.

Jo, in no way an insult for placing your name right next to the one on top, thank you for being a friend and for trying to be nice. You've scared me and made me laugh and made me angry in the course of a year and I'm not sure if you even care but hey, c'est comme ca.

Tong, my ethical anti-elitist snob friend. You've been a riot and though not a close friend, certainly a reliable one. May 2007 sustain your HAPPINESS. Just, erm, keep it to yourself.

Jing Heng, we've brooded our way through 2007 and I hope we haven't grown any more cynical because there's really no time for cynicism in youth. I hope you do really well, get a scholarship and go to Leopard Company which is just next to mine! Happy New Year!

Jessie, ma chere amie, what a remarkably short period of time it has taken, our particular amity. Through rats and rantings and compartmentalisation, through eulogies on my part and dark red nail polish on yours, through dior homme bobs and then your incredibly shrinking bob, here's to a new year and that we remain friends.

Shang, frankly, I wish you'd been accepted as a PR and they'd made you do National Service because it would have been so funny watching you talk to the sargeants though not as funny when you offend them and the platoon gets it. Happy New Year to you.

Victor. Happy New Year.

Everyone else in school whom I know either directly or vicariously but whom I can no longer remember because you didn't say hi to me or because I was too socially reclusive to make alot more friends, Happy New Year! OH OH, and my TEACHERS! Mrs Chia for being wonderful! Mrs Butler for making me laugh through every lesson. Ms Veera for also doing that, I hope 2007 won't be such a dark year for you. Mdm. Chitra from my secondary school who continues to inspire and to encourage me. Happy New Year!

Alas, the friends from secondary school who have been there with me through all this. Ying for being a close friend, never very active but always there for a chat and company. Tze Hock for his forebearance and his loyalty, you can always count on him and I hope I've been an equally good friend to him. Then of course, Xuan who has always been there whenever I needed somebody to talk to, when I need somebody to share my joy or when when I just need to unload something sad. You guys, I won't forget you.

Hew Ting, you too. I still remember you. You will be loved, even through a year when you're not here.

What I remember most about this year!!

My trip to Japan right after my exams.

My trip to Paris and London right before the A Levels.

Eating at Angelina.

Eating at the Raffles Grill.

Going to J8 for lunch in Clare's car and the whole bunch.

Candice's birthday party.

Eating desserts at Sun with Moon with Xuan.

Going to Chinatown with Candice and Kris.

Afternoon teas at the Fullerton, the Four Seasons et al with my mother and sister.

My trips to the tailor.

My acquisition of my beloved shoes from Ferragamo.

My birthday when Mummy sprang a surprise on me.

Reading and crying my way through the Time Traveller's Wife.

My first lunch with Jo.

Christmas dinner with my friends and family.

Post Christmas brunch at home!

Prom Night for numerous reasons.

The day I met Jessie, or How We Made Victor Angry with a Plastic Rat.

Shopping for clothes with Jessie and Shang.

The last lunch, and tea, and supper with Xuan, Ying and Tze Hock.

Falling deathly ill during Econs S.

Last minute revision for prelims with Clare and Xiao Jun.

Running over to J8 for food with Akesh during Math.

Running away from PE teachers who tried (unsuccessfully) to get me to cut my hair.

All the times when I stupefied the sales staff at any of the luxury goods store.

My second lunch with Jo.

The Econs and Fund Management Quiz where we got a silver instead of a gold.

Xiao Jun and me conspiring, now that was fun.

My one and only lunch with Victor where we ate, last minute, at Shashilik.

The night Mummy took me to Marmalade for dinner after a good massage.

The trip to Aspara after the As.

The nights Mummy and I spent talking and talking and talking.

Playing with my little sister and going through the PSLE with her.

Just being with my little sister on lazy Sundays.

Collecting her results with her.

Hearing that she managed to get to RGS.

Lunch at Beviamo's with Ying and CC.

All the nights out with Val and Geri or Sarah and the lot.

If there are more, then it is because I have been exceptionally blessed in 2006 and for that, I thank GOD. I remain still an anti-religionist but I do believe in GOD. I regret the slight drift away from GOD that 2006 has engendered but I believe in 2007, we shall meet once more.

Do I have any resolutions? Of course I do:

Get Silver for IPPT.

Aim for and hopefully survive OCS.

Read every single issue of the Economist.

Polish my French.

Create seven good pieces for my portfolio.

See my sister through her first year in RGS.

Still be close with my family.

Not lose contact with old friends.

Never lose my dignity or my pride.

Never let NS change me.

C'est tout.